Fire ants are being laced with homosexual chemtrails and then dumped in neighborhoods with higher per capita rates of Christianity.
The homosexual chemtrail concoction contains a high concentration of gay endorphins. Sources confirm that several exclusive gay clubs collected the spent sweats of late-night homosexuality, then sent them to a laboratory where in-vitro techniques were used to create this potent new form of biological homosexual chemtrail…
…When placed next to a person who is not homosexual, the ants become restless and aroused, lifting their brightly colored abdominal areas in the air as if in some form of coital temptation, their jaws ravenously snapping toward the flesh of any non-gay person in their proxy…
…Various Christian neighborhoods in Texas have been reporting a sharp increase in these chemtrail laced fire ants and the CDC is reporting a higher incidence of homosexuality in Texas. This is all likely part of Obama’s Jade Helm 1 2 invasion, but the Texas Chapter of the Christian Defense League suggests homeowners spray all of their doorways with bug guard and be vigilant in not becoming victimized by one of these ants.
Sweet Jebus on a crutch, the damned gays are coming for our children! Why else would they do this unless they want these ants to run up to playground and family picnics and bite the children, laying the seeds of homosexuality in their bodies? 3
In terms of impact, we’d say moving from Easter Bunny to Press Secretary was at best a lateral move for Sean Spicer.
And on bad days, definitely a demotion…
Happy Friday! Did you know that Sean Spicer used to be the White House Easter Bunny? ?? pic.twitter.com/ASGS89i9hL
— AJ+ (@ajplus) March 3, 2017
From BBC 4 comes a purported one-off(er), The Fake News Show:
KAISERSLAUTERN, Germany — A bright-red, mock “incoming missile” message that was mistakenly sent to all wing personnel at Spangdahlem Air Base on Tuesday was recalled in about eight minutes.
It wasn’t enough time to cause widespread panic but it was just enough time for someone to take a screen shot of the image and post it to social media, causing the wing some embarrassment as people poked fun at the error on Facebook and it was first reported by Air Force Times.
The message, which read, “MISSILE INBOUND. SEEK SHELTER IMMEDIATELY!” originated in the command post of the 52nd Fighter Wing, spokesman Maj. Bryon McGarry said.
Since this is The Stars and Stripes that we’re talking about, there were no comments on the article.
Which is a crying shame, ’cause servicemen are rather inventive that way.
The day after the election, I knew that when my daughter came home from school I would have to try, once and for all, to explain Trump’s victory to her. According to her principal’s e-mail, it had been discussed throughout the school day and had even been the subject of an assembly. But I was still at a loss. How could I explain what had happened without scaring her? As I saw it, millions of adults had done something very stupid on Election Day. There’s nothing more terrifying to a child than the idea that adults don’t know what they’re doing.
But then I thought, Maybe not. There’s a strong argument that there’s nothing more hilarious to a child than the notion of adults screwing up. The cliché of the bumbling sitcom dad, as well as every Kevin James movie ever made, relies on this principle. When kids see adults do something stupid, it makes them feel smarter and more secure about their own place in the world. Finally, I had something I could work with.
When my daughter came home, I sat her down at the kitchen table, gave her a Kit Kat from her hoard of Halloween candy, and offered this explanation of the election: “Imagine the stupidest thing you could ever do, like peeing on a stack of pancakes. Now, imagine that the United States is a stack of pancakes. Millions of grownups just peed on it.”