Category Archives: humor

A Screaming Comes Across the Sky

banana-pancakesI was making banana pancakes.

NPR was going on about Bannon’s OMP‘s budget proposal, a blueprint for a societal counterrevolution if I’ve ever seen one; massive increases in spending on both military operations and domestic repression, while pulling a Ripper on domestic social programs (some as much as 30 percent) while eliminating outright dozens of agencies and programs.

I dance into the dining room, a platter of pancakes at the ready, doing my best Vincent Price 1: “A screaming comes across the sky…”

Silence.

Asta finally shakes her head and mutters “Dad, you’re soooo weird.”

Ima gonna have speaks with that child’s school; this unconscionable. 2

A Screaming Comes Across the Sky

Show 2 footnotes

  1. An excellent imitation, if I say so myself. Had Michael ever heard it he would have had ME doing the voice-over for Thriller.
  2. Speaking of unconscionable, my March Madness bracket is all but bust. And if Kentucky doesn’t win the whole thang, I’m dead in the water. 36 points, people. 36! Freaking ouch.

Peeing on the Pancakes

The day after the election, I knew that when my daughter came home from school I would have to try, once and for all, to explain Trump’s victory to her. According to her principal’s e-mail, it had been discussed throughout the school day and had even been the subject of an assembly. But I was still at a loss. How could I explain what had happened without scaring her? As I saw it, millions of adults had done something very stupid on Election Day. There’s nothing more terrifying to a child than the idea that adults don’t know what they’re doing.

But then I thought, Maybe not. There’s a strong argument that there’s nothing more hilarious to a child than the notion of adults screwing up. The cliché of the bumbling sitcom dad, as well as every Kevin James movie ever made, relies on this principle. When kids see adults do something stupid, it makes them feel smarter and more secure about their own place in the world. Finally, I had something I could work with.

When my daughter came home, I sat her down at the kitchen table, gave her a Kit Kat from her hoard of Halloween candy, and offered this explanation of the election: “Imagine the stupidest thing you could ever do, like peeing on a stack of pancakes. Now, imagine that the United States is a stack of pancakes. Millions of grownups just peed on it.”

Peeing on the Pancakes

What We’re Reading

Raising a family is the most important duty a man has. Without children the state has no future, and if those children are not brought up properly then that future is bleak. When there is so much at stake it is vital to get it right, and in this article I will explain how to make sure your family is a source of great pride to you. No man could ever be happy if his wife ignored his needs or his children disobeyed his instructions, but if you follow the simple principles laid out here you can make sure that your household runs smoothly and efficiently.

The most important decision is choosing a good wife. Use your head more than your heart. Draw up a list of candidates and think about what each one would bring to the marriage. If you marry a woman just because she is beautiful, then she will feel she never has to do anything else for you. She will not mind if the house is a mess or your meals are badly cooked. And you will have to put up with this because you married her just for her beauty and not for her domestic skills. The same is true if you marry a woman just because she is rich or from an important family. She will always think she has done enough just by being with you.

Of course, you do need to take her looks and her background into account. But wealth, good family and beauty do nothing in themselves to make a wife think kind thoughts towards her husband. In fact, the opposite is more the case. These attributes are more likely to make your wife feel superior to you. She will feel you do not deserve to have her as a wife and resent doing anything you tell her to do. Make sure you check to see whether her family has a good track record in producing healthy, male children. When it comes to a potential wife’s physical appearance, all that really matters is that she is strong, healthy and looks normal. If she is less than beautiful she will be less hassled by other men’s attempts to seduce, and if she has a strong body she will be better suited to hard work and bearing children.

Marcus Sidonius Falx

What We're Reading