Category Archives: Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

June 14, 20107
Generalissimo/What the fuck ever,

The problem with America is libtards like you. Fuck Steve Scalise? A decent congressman is shot while playing baseball and all you can say is fuck him? Your disgusting people like Steve Scalise are always working for your rights to print ugly shit on your piece of shit blog and you just kick them when there down. Fuck You!

You ought to get the fuck off of slandering Trump on your little blog too. He’s doing great work for the country and people like you are just too liberalized to see this is what the people want and the country needs. if you don’t like it you should go live in some fucktard country like Austria with the kangeroos. Trump was elected BY THE PEOPLE! And hes hear to stay and will win in 2020. Just fuck off and don’t let the door hit ya in the ass on your way out.

K. Wright
Redondo Beach, California

Dear K.

Let us start with one of your assertions: “Trump was elected BY THE PEOPLE!

That is not anywhere close to being true; the Clinton/Kaine ticket garnered 65,844,969 votes, or 48.3% of the vote, while the Trump/Pence ticket only gathered in 62,979,984 total votes, or 46.2% of the vote. As has been widely reported…well…EVERYWHERE, this means 2,864,985 more Americans voted for Clinton/Kaine than Trump/Pence.

The American people voted for Clinton.

As for Steve Scalise, yes, we could care less that he was hoisted on his own semi-automatic petard.

He, along with his fellow travelers in Congress, directly enabled Hodgkinson’s (and many, many, many others’) ability to calmly gun anyone down, to include Congressmen. In more ways than one, a fact us ‘libtards’ have warned of and argued against for decades. That Scalise and his fellow assholes continued to carry the NRA’s handbasket to hell is on them.

Best Regards,
All of Us

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

11 December 2016

Generalissimo,

The president-elect has so far lost the popular vote by nearly 3 million votes 1, run a campaign that obviously benefitted from the direct meddling of Russian intelligence services, and who’s business interests are so convoluted that every past White House ethics lawyer says he will unavoidably be in violation of the emolument clause in the U.S. Constitution immediately he takes his oath of office.

In addition the president-elect appears to believe, much as Richard Nixon did, that by the very nature of the office the president is above the law, that the president-elect can not have a conflict of interest simply because he would be president. 2

That being the case, and the fact the intent of the Electoral College was to specifically thwart the possibility of a charismatic tyrant manipulating public opinion and coming into power 3, shouldn’t the electors vote Clinton into office this coming Monday?

Randy White,
Olathe

Randy,

You lay out a solid argument for the electoral college to turn to Clinton, though you elided the notion of ‘poor administration of government.’ It is a lesser known purpose of the Electoral College: “…the true test of a good government is its aptitude and tendency to produce a good administration…” and the electors should be “…able to estimate the share which the executive in every government must necessarily have in its good or ill administration.” 4

There can be no doubt that the president-elect has shown with his cabinet picks –plutocrats and political naïfs all–, not to mention his storied bankruptcies, that he would not be a good steward of the government.

So, yes, the Electoral College should take all of this into consideration and not confirm the Manchurian President-elect.

However you ignore the fact that the GOP will do anything to grab and keep power; they would never select Clinton. Moreover, the electors were hand picked by their state parties based on loyalty to that party, not common sense. 5  6

Which, I suppose, is just another way of saying the Trump’s electors from Oklahoma are not interested in solemn deliberation: They just want to keep fracking, earthquakes in Kansas and Missouri aside.

No, the best you could hope for is the House of Representatives ending up picking someone like Pence, Kasich, or perhaps even Paul Ryan. Or perhaps the House of Representatives will override the Electoral College override and the Manchurian president-elect anyway.

Our advice? Just bend over and spread ’em.

Best Regards,
Generalissimo Francisco Franco

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Show 6 footnotes

  1. Which in 19 states (should) automatically trigger a recount.
  2. If you think this trivial, imagine ANY Democrat taking the same position, especially Clinton. Right – the screaming from the GOP and alt-right media would be deafening.
  3. Federalist #68.
  4. Again, Federalist #68.
  5. Though there seem to be exceptions.
  6. Which is undoubtedly why a couple of lawsuits have been brought in order to free electors in 29 states from requirements that they vote for the candidate who won their state’s popular vote.

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

September 26th, 2016

Generalissimo,

How come you don’t utilize a product like SecureDrop? I came across a document I thought you might find useful but the only way to get it to you is via email and, uh…no.

James Thorpe
Parsons, KS

James,

The short answer is money.

The longer version is slightly more complicated; though SecureDrop is free, the hardware to run it is not. And that’s if –a very big if– your hosting provider agrees to do so. 1 And that’s also true for the cloud, places like Amazon’s AWS. There’s the Darknet, but that would open up an entirely different can of worms. Finally, I could set up another laptop in the manse and run the software from there, but Missouri lacks a journalist “shield law.” Moreover, blogger’s rights are tenuous at best.

However, all is not lost. We’ve given this some thought and have come up with a compromise. Should you have information you would like to pass us, try the following:

Acquire an anonymous email account – many people find these folks to be accommodating. And free!

Once you have that set up, and using your InPrivate mode or VPN, slide on over to Dead Drop. This is exactly as it sounds, a place to leave information that self-destructs after 24 hours. Below is the message you would receive after entering data into the form:

Hi,
I’m sending you some secure information.
Click this url
https://dead-drop.me/pickup/57ed01b33c7e89.64384484
or if that doesn’t work, copy and paste it into your web browser’s location bar
This will ONLY work once, so be careful with the password, and make sure to copy the data immediately.
This is the password
HI3zY2AYoCI773c
After you pick it up, the data will self destruct and this link won’t work anymore.
This link will only work for 24 hours, so please check shortly.
Thanks!

The downside to this method is that Dead Drop doesn’t accept attachments. Which means you would have to a.) transcribe the information, or b.) scan and edit the doc, using a variety of available software. But…it is what it is.

So… to summarize:

1. Using a VPN or your browser’s privacy feature (or, better yet, doing same from public, free WiFi) place your info at Dead Drop.
2. Using a VPN or your browser’s privacy feature (or, better yet, doing same from public, free WiFi) send us [SOMEONE AT WILLNOTBETELEVISED DOT COM] the resultant link via anon email.

At some point we will expand on this, and other security implementations, 2 under a new tab.

Thanks for the question.

Regards,
Generalissimo Francisco Franco (still dead)

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Show 2 footnotes

  1. Ours flat out said “No.”
  2. You did notice the site is running TLS/SSL, n’est-ce pas?

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

September 12, 2016

Nick,

Do you have a follow-up to your earlier Académie Lafayette item? There is no information available from the school so far as we are aware.

S. Jackson
KCMO

Mr. Jackson,

According to Our Friend the A.L. board conducted normal business matters this past Monday evening, to include yet more faint-of-heart dithering on a proposed Oak campus expansion that, in one form or another, has been languishing about since 2008; it seems construction costs for the latest design are prohibitive if built on the school’s north side, so a motion to study the costs of expanding on the school’s south side was passed. 1

But the topic of inappropriate behavior was not raised.

However, be patient; this is not something the board can sit on forever. 2

Best Regards,
Nick

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Show 2 footnotes

  1. Due diligence is one thing, but eight years? Indecisive much?
  2. Much as they would love to make it all just go away.

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

August 1st, 2016

Dear Nick,

I know you’re busy in Boston but I wondered if you might settle a bet for us. We’ve been talking about who makes up Trump’s fan base. I say it’s mostly the GOP’s dispossessed and my husband claims it’s Independents, right-leaning liberals and Democrats (if there’s any distinction between those two groups) augmenting a core Republican group.

Please try and answer this one straight. There’s a Christopher Elbow Chocolate Gift Tower package on the line if I win and I love that stuff.

Thanks.
Callie James
KCMO

Callie,

As it happens I have the day off 1 2 so let’s jump right to it.

There’s nothing complicated about Trump’s fan base. They are the Tea Party, rebranded. Which is just another way of saying Trumpists are the Republican party. They are the predominantly bleeding-edge, white-male Boomers angriest about their own lack of education and, not just coincidentally, a gotdamt blackie in the White House. They are the far-right, Christian terrorists of the Republican party.

They are Republicans. They hate women/LGBTs/Liberals/anyone not like themselves. They blame everyone for their perpetual misery but their own leaders’ policies. They are the people who beat their wife or kick their dog when a voice on he phone says “Press 2 for Spanish.” They barricade themselves in their homes holding weapons on family members when that same voice says “Presione dos para español.”

They are Republicans. They are the rigid authoritarians that twisted traditional conservatism into a religious-right Gordian knot in order to shove an un-democratic agenda onto the country; they are the Republicans in Congress baldly refusing to obey the Constitution by not giving Obama’s SCOTUS pick a single hearing, instead claiming “the next president” should fill the empty seat.

They are Republicans pushing their bigoted, hidebound vision of America on us, willingness be damned; lie back and think of William F. Buckley .

As the Tea Party led to Trumpism, Trumpism will inevitably lead to an overt resurgence of the KKK wing of the Republican party; Representatives and certain Senators will wear their flowing white robes in the halls of Congress. Because, you know…the Southern Strategy was apparently too subtle.

They are Republicans, they are Trumpists. 3

Sorry, Callie; I’m, pretty sure I fucked up your chances at the Christopher Elbow chocolates.

On the other hand your husband was so off base he ought to pay a penalty. Maybe just a couple of pieces of Elbow’s chocolates? 4

Peace,
Nick

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Show 4 footnotes

  1. That would be Wednesday; I’ve scheduled this response and another couple of posts to auto-magically publish tomorrow, Thursday, the 4th.
  2. Thanks for asking, I’m holding my own: Charalambides Nick 8K US 1 0= 317+ 296- 23½ 1 0 69. I know, right!
  3. “Trump is Trump,” observes John Noonan, a former national security aide to Mitt Romney and Jeb Bush who has sworn off voting for the GOP nominee this year. “You can pull somebody out of the insane asylum and staff him with the best people in the business, and he’s still going to be in the parking lot screaming about the book of Revelations and there’s nothing you can do about it. Hillary’s the placekicker on the field. She’s shanking every kick. And Trump’s the guy pleasuring himself in the stands.”
  4. Nora tells me Elbow’s chocolates are sinfully expensive. Something like $10 a bar? Psssht! Besides, it’s too far away from The Cigar Box where, after some chicken spiedini, I might be tempted to walk down to try one. And what’s with the hours? Closes at 6:00 PM? Hell, I wouldn’t even start with drinks at the Cigar Box until 8:00 PM.

re Mukilteo, Washington

If we’re down with killing kindergartner’s, fuck a buncha 19-year olds.

See here.

See here.

And here.

And here.

And here.

And here.

Or here or here or here or here or here or…you get the idea.

There’s no sense in writing anther damned word about America’s insane love affair with guns; we’re not Australia, we won’t do the right thing. 1 2

Orlando Pulse nightclub shooting

Show 2 footnotes

  1. Instead we’ll continue to ignore the situation, hoping it will just go away. Hey – it’s worked so far… Right?
  2. And now, just to add some “flavor” to what has so far been a monomaniacal theme, anti-gay!

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

29 June 2016

Dear M. Charalambides,

Bonjour, comment ça va? Bien, bien….

I’m afraid we’ve not met, nor, honestly, have I previously visited your web site. Nothing against you, your site appears top notch. I just tend to get wrapped up in whatever I’m doing. For example I have the hilarious honor of having been the shortest serving Canadian PM. Then for a good while I chaired the Council of Women World Leaders, and after that I wrote a small book. Oh, and the husband and I produced a smallish play in LA…

The point here is I tend to keep busy and so have not kept up with the “must read” blogs, of which I am very nearly sure your efforts qualify.

Having said all that, your blog did turn up rather high in Google’s search results for “Trump”, The Donald”, “Donald Trump asshole”, and most relevantly, “Donald Trump begging emails.” You see I’ve received several campaign solicitations from your Mr. Trump.


And it’s not just myself: British MPs (who soon won’t have a pot to piss in, thanks to Brexit) and both Natalie and Staurt have been bothered by this jumped up hooligan:


I see where you told the old tosser to step off and my question is this: Did it work? Has the great buffoon stopped bothering you? Because if all it takes is calling him out in public, I’m all for it. Good grief – most Canadian newspapers would LOVE to publish my open letter to the old letch.

However, I have my doubts…if all it takes is a bit of public humiliation to back down the scoundrel, why in the world hasn’t he long since suspended his “campaign” and slunk back in shame to one of his tacky casinos?

I want to thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I know you must be as busy as myself.

Best Regards,
Kim Campbell

Dear Ms. Campbell,

I wish I could say that Trump immediately put a halt to his begging campaign. Alas, however, that would be untrue. Ultimately I resorted to marking all email from him and his campaign as both “junk” and spam. 1 This has the saltatory effect of deleting the missives sight unseen. Might I suggest you do the same?

In addition perhaps you have some familiarity with the U.S. campaign laws? It is patently illegal for Trump or his campaign solicit funding from foreign individuals. Were you of a mind, you might file a complaint with our Federal Election Commission, as inarguably the Trump campaign has broken federal law.

Best Regards,
Nick Charalambides

p.s. – if you could see your way clear to asking Natalie, Stuart (and whomever else might want to join in on the fun) to also file complaints with our FEC, I’d be ever so grateful.

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Show 1 footnote

  1. Yes, I did follow the links at the bottom of the emails and an “unsubscribed” myself from all lists. To no fucking avail, I might mention…

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

16 June 2016

Nick,

One year ago today, you helped start a movement never before seen in America.
Americans who never voted before — who had given up on our political system — rallied together to save our country. Obama, the media, the political elite — everyone said we were destined to lose. But we won in a massive landslide, and we will keep winning until we Make America Great Again!

Nick, on the anniversary of our movement, I’m asking you to make a contribution to help us win and Make America Great Again! This movement isn’t about me. It’s not even about the Republican Party. It’s about America. It’s about making sure every American can live in a free, safe, and prosperous country.

Millions of Americans are sick and tired of seeing our country lose. We’re losing on the border, on trade, on security — on EVERYTHING.
But the Silent Majority refuses to stand by and watch our country go to hell.

We’ve achieved something incredible. But the fight’s not over. Crooked Hillary will do everything she can to crush America with four more years of Obama’s policies.

That’s why I need your help.

On the anniversary of this great movement, I’m personally asking you to make a contribution to win. Contribute $250, $100, $50, or $35 to help us win and Make America Great Again!

Thank you and God bless,
Donald J. Trump

P.S. Today is the anniversary of our campaign’s launch. Make a contribution of $250, $100, $50, or $35 in honor of our great movement.

Hey, dickhead,

Stop with all the fuckin’ spam already.

Despite what the clueless folks at Advertising Age believe, I happen to know you ARE begging for cash via email – this is the 10th email in 2 weeks I’ve received from you.

Which is weird as I’m far more aligned with Bernie than Hillary; you aren’t even a pus-filled acne bump on the edge of my radar screen. Which is sad: if you were I’d just pop the damned thing and be done with it, possible scar be damned.

Just go away, okay? No one wants you or your tiny hands anywhere near them. Take the hint and crawl back into whatever double mortgaged hotel remains to you, lock the doors and stay there until Thanksgiving.

I suppose it’s okay if you continue to tweet utter nonsense – it amuses a whole lot of people, brightening their day.

Just stop with the fuckin spam, okay?

Worst Regards,
Nick

Repeal the Second Amendment

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

May 4th, 2016

You fucking idiot,

I suppose next your gonna tell us why Trump won’t win the general election when you like every other douchebag on the internet said he couldn’t win the primary right? And that Trump supporters are uneducated morons right? Well I don’t have a college degree but I don’t need one to see what mess the country is. Trump is the only politician who tells the truth about that and the only one who has plans to fix it. Like did you hear on NPR (that’s right I listen to NPR) where a Trump supporter from South Carolina was telling him about how they had to close the movie theatre and the bowling alley? And Trump said that he would bring those back, he would bring those jobs back to small town America? That’s what Hillary and Bernie and Cruz and all the others don’t get, they don’t get small town America. What all you guys don’t get is that the establishment all of it is so fucking corrupt that I will support Trump over everyone else. Hell he’ll hire people to come up with policies and shit. If George Bush could let Cheney run the country maybe Trump will make Ben Carson his VP and let HIM run it. That wouldn’t be bad. But Trump would still bring back jobs to white America and make us strong again. The way Obummer is going all the good jobs will be oversees or go to minorities. Hillary would keep on doing that. So you can talk all you want about how dumb we are but I’m willing to bet there will be more of us voting this fall than those of you.

C. Kingman
Harrisonville

Mr. Kingman,

That’s an awful lot to unpack, but I’ll try.

My sense here is that the thrust of your argument has to do with a yearning for what has long since diminished and gone into The West. Sadly, it won’t be returning.

Whether Trump exhorts the little people from the Rust Belt, or the hard-working americans of South Carolina or even the salt of the earth miners of Nevada, Arizona, Minnesota, Utah, Alaska and elsewhere, he’s basically reassuring them that he, too, not only remembers a time when cities like Detroit, Buffalo, Flint and even Kansas City mattered, but that he will restore said crypts (and most importantly, the people dwelling therein) to their former grandeur.

That’s perfectly understandable; all politicians lie to one degree or another in order to get elected.

But the truth is there is now no economic reason for these places to exist. These locales once provided services and industries that simply aren’t relevant, needed or wanted now. Much of that is due to corporate greed/mismanagement 1, For the rest, they were mugged by endless trade agreements. 2

The time for voting for a crypto-fascist like Trump in order to turn back the clock has passed those towns by, has passed you by, Mr. Kingman. 3 What citizens of these now marginalized areas need to do is leave; move to where work actually exists. The job elves set sail long ago and are not returning. 4 I suspect you know this but desperately want to believe Trump can pull the mythical 1950s from his hat while the nations gasps and applauds.

Adding insult to injury is the fact that the president did indeed try to make those areas relevant again, did indeed try to put all those souls back to work. With Obama’s proposed American Jobs Act he was intent on reviving much of the old WPA, which added plentiful jobs while creating much of America’s infrastructure. Sad to say all of Congress balked at the proposal because…teh stoopid for varying idiotic political reasons.

Unfortunately there’s no reason to think that even if Trump resurrected Obama’s proposed legislation, covered it with  whipped cream, gilded it with fairy dust then topped it with a cherry and then presented it to Congress with smoke and mirrors and kept chanting “It’s HUGE! It’s AMAZING! And the Mexicans will pay for it!”  that it would fare any better. 5

Ah well…

As to Trump’s chances in the general election, that depends on how many people believe the fairy tale he’s spinning . My sense there is that it won’t anywhere near enough to rally past Hillary and The Machine.©®

But consider this – it could be worse. Your nominee could be serially wife abuser Lyin’ Ted Cruz.

I’m jes’ sayin’.
Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Show 5 footnotes

  1. See Great Recession.
  2. With many, many more on the way.
  3. I’m just guessing, judging by the tone of your email.
  4. Many of your neighbors have already done this. It is not easy, granted. And you may feel too old to make such a change. But migration is your only financial salvation because Trump isn’t bring back your bowling alley, no matter how many times he lies through his teeth about doing so.
  5. If you’ve not noticed, Congress has been an ass of late. Say, for the last 8 years…

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

May 2

Hey dickhead,

WHy don’t you write something relevant? Like Trump cause he’s gonna kick CLintons’ ass. So tell me why Cruz is still running? Isn’t he like several hundred delegates behind Trump right? SO many that Cruz will not come close to the nominatin? So why does Cruz keep running? we should just give the crown to Trump now.

Jimmy,
Raytown

Jimmy,

At first glance your query has more to do with the emotions of embarrassment than political analysis. But only at first blush because, as we’ll see, there is a critical element of political calculation behind Cruz’s continuing Sisyphean efforts. To wit, why Cruz is still “in the race”:

  1. Money
  2. Denial/Insanity
  3. Fear of public impotency

Money is always the lead suspect in any criminal enterprise. In the case of Cruz’s ongoing crime spree the cash keeps pouring in from nitwits nation-wide. And though Teddy can’t –in theory– use those millions for personal use 1, he is allowed to donate some or all of the funds to charities or political parties; he can contribute $2000 per election to other candidates; or he can save the money in case he believes America won’t laugh in his face the next time he runs for president.

Saving the money is what politicians always refer to as building their war chest.

Complicating this looting consideration are the Super PACs – what becomes of leftover cash in a PAC is up to itself; they have broad discretion on how they disburse any remaining monies; perhaps to a charity, or to pay outstanding campaign expenses, consulting fees, et al. Sometimes they even return the money. 2

And, depending on state laws, the PAC might be able to contribute to the war chest of state-level pols. Which is another way of saying Cruz’s presidential Super PAC could end up funding his next Senatorial bid.

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Denial is self-explanatory, as is insanity. And in many cases they are both inherited. That Cruz persists in the delusion that he will become president might be traced back to his father, an OG conservative, religious wingnut of the first stripe. In fact it will not surprise me a whit when Teddy finally reveals the horrendous mental and physical abuse he suffered at the hands of his father during childhood. 3

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

As for the fear of public impotency? Well, look at it this way: Cruz works in an environment where –so it is said– everyone pretty much hates his guts: He doesn’t play well with others, ridicules his playmates at every chance, and forces his ideas on the group at recess, even to their detriment. In short, he’s a world class asshole.

Now he’s absurdly losing a presidential primary to a political tyro who daily openly mocks him as “Lyin’ Ted”. So now he’s an asshole AND a loser. And he’s got to return back to class with the other kids.

When he fails to secure the GOP nomination the other kids are going to make fun of him for the rest of the time he’s there. In fact, they may escalate from simply picking on and bullying Teddy to outright beating on him like a red-headed stepchild. 4

Couldn’t happen to a more deserving batshit insane prick. 5

Regards,
Nick

p.s. – y’all having some lead contamination issues in Raytown? I don’t mean to pry, it’s just that I worry.

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Show 5 footnotes

  1. That is, he can’t now. However, up to 1980 it was not only perfectly legal to spend excess money on oneself, Congress as an institution did so in such an over-the-top fashion reformers finally put a halt to the practice.
  2. Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
  3. Nor will I be surprised when Heidi eventually publishes her tell-all, detailing the unlovely things Teddy asked of her. I imagine it will make Mitt’s magic underwear fetish pale in comparison.
  4. Good.
  5. And this should be soon; if anyone working for Cruz has any sense –and, no, I don’t mean that morbidly obese piece of shit Jeff Roe– they’ll convince Cruz to withdraw from the race after Trump beats him today like a rented mule.