Category Archives: cthulhu

As the Universe Cools Down

If a civilization wants to maximize computation it appears rational to aestivate until the far future in order to exploit the low temperature en-vironment: this can produce a 1030 multiplier of achievable computation. We hence suggest the “aestivation hypothesis”: the reason we are not observing manifestations of alien civilizations is that they are currently (mostly) inactive, patiently waiting for future cosmic eras. This paper analyzes the assumptions going into the hypothesis and how physical law and observational evidence constrain the motivations of aliens compatible with the hypothesis…

As the universe cools down, one Joule of energy is worth proportionally more. This can be a substantial (1030) gain. Hence a civilization desiring to maximize the amount of computation will want to use its energy endowment as late as possible: using it now means far less total computation can be done. Hence an early civilization, after expanding to gain access to enough raw materials, will settle down and wait until it becomes rational to use the resources. We are not observing any aliens since the initial expansion phase is brief and intermittent and the aestivating civilization and its infrastructure is also largely passive and compact…

As noted by Gershenfeld, optimal computation needs to make sure all internal states are close to the most probable state of the system, since otherwise there will be extra dissipation. Hence there is a good reason to perform operations slowly. Fortunately, time is an abundant resource in the far future. In addition, a civilization whose subjective time is proportional to the computation rate will not internally experience the slowdown.

Heh heh heh: “In the long run, we are all dead…” 1 2 3

As the Universe Cools Down

Show 3 footnotes

  1. A far more likely scenario is “they” are working on some soft of post-graduate project regarding our “arts and culture.” This is consistent with the spy game Fermi paradox resolution, which has orders of magnitude more reliable sourcing than the next best sourced UFO phenomenon, the O’Hare sighting.
  2. Snerk.
  3. Okay, that is to say that all the above is not any more or less plausible than American Gods. Though, frankly, their paper could use a lot more cow-bell. And that funky clarinet that insinuates itself into each AG episode when you least expect it.

StackOverflow Cthulu

StackOverflow Cthulu

You can’t parse [X]HTML with regex. Because HTML can’t be parsed by regex. Regex is not a tool that can be used to correctly parse HTML. As I have answered in HTML-and-regex questions here so many times before, the use of regex will not allow you to consume HTML. Regular expressions are a tool that is insufficiently sophisticated to understand the constructs employed by HTML. HTML is not a regular language and hence cannot be parsed by regular expressions. Regex queries are not equipped to break down HTML into its meaningful parts. so many times but it is not getting to me. Even enhanced irregular regular expressions as used by Perl are not up to the task of parsing HTML. You will never make me crack. HTML is a language of sufficient complexity that it cannot be parsed by regular expressions. Even Jon Skeet cannot parse HTML using regular expressions. Every time you attempt to parse HTML with regular expressions, the unholy child weeps the blood of virgins, and Russian hackers pwn your webapp. Parsing HTML with regex summons tainted souls into the realm of the living. HTML and regex go together like love, marriage, and ritual infanticide. The center cannot hold it is too late. The force of regex and HTML together in the same conceptual space will destroy your mind like so much watery putty. If you parse HTML with regex you are giving in to Them and their blasphemous ways which doom us all to inhuman toil for the One whose Name cannot be expressed…

StackOverflow Cthulu


It was just a matter of time: welcome, CthuluCoin! Oh…and right before you go insane? You’ll go broke…

During the first and second weeks of the ritual, sacrificial amounts are placed in special, once a day blocks. These blocks are a reward to the worshipper for sacrifice made. During the third and fourth weeks of the ritual the rewards build, small at first, then larger as the worship increases with fervor. During the last five days, the ‘Tharanak shagg,’ or “promise of dreamland,” the ritual reaches final pitch and the daily special blocks are highly increased. Finally Cthulhu will return after the xx665th offering has paid tribute to the Great Old One and he will bestow a bounty deserving of Him upon one lucky worshiper. The ritual can be repeated after six months time, following the great halving.


JCPenney Allowed to Sacrifice Employees

July 1, 2014 – Citing the newly-established precedent of corporate-religious exemption, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled Tuesday in favor of JCPenney, upholding the company’s right to sacrifice pure-hearted employees in order to assuage the Dread Lord Cthulhu, Bringer of Madness.

The Penney estate, devout cultists and owners of the multibillion-dollar chain of mid-range department stores, joined by CEO Mike Ullman, sued the government in 2012 when new federal employee protections made it illegal for them to hire virgin maidens for the sole purpose of spilling their blood on the Altar of the Cosmos, with the hope that such an offering will prolong the Great Old One’s slumber in the sunken city of R’lyeh.

“We’re not opposed to the practice of protecting and celebrating life set forth by your quaint, human Biblical standards,” said Ullman last week on Lou Dobbs Tonight. “But JCPenney is not that sort of company, for in his house at R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming. We see through the insignificance of your primitive ape society to the coming storm of insanity that is His rise.”

Rêves doux

Azathoth, Oklahoma

The three-foot-high monument to the fictional deity Azathoth is rough to the touch. It appears as if it has been chipped loose from a base.

After news about the monument spread on KFOR, Rawlinson said she’s been getting calls from people who were excited about the find and from people who warned her about its dangers.

“There are about 20 people who called me and said they want to buy it,” Rawlinson said. “But there are some who say it’s a bad demon and that we shouldn’t even touch it.” 1,


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Show 1 footnote

  1. The ‘Lord’ on the plaque would of course be Azazel.

Pronunciation Book

Since 2010, a YouTube channel called Pronunciation Book has regularly posted videos with a simple white background and a word in black font. Over it, a voice teaches non-English speakers how to say certain words and phrases in English, “Sausage McMuffin” or “yield.” The young male voice also teaches viewers how to have simple English interactions like “How to State an Unpleasant Fact” and “How to Politely End a Business Meeting.”

In the past three years, this channel has posted more than 700 videos, gained 27,000 subscribers, and even inspired a parody account. But a week ago Pronunciation Book abruptly stopped what it’d been doing and started posting one creepy, cryptic video a day, counting down from 77 until Sept. 24, 2013. The videos show the number and then the same voice delivers a couple of seemingly random sentences and then ominously concludes, “Something is going to happen in X days.”

It’s an unexpected and bizarre about-face that makes little sense and is a little bit scary.

The only people that seem to be dissecting this weirdness is 4chan’s /x/ board, devoted to conspiracy theories and the paranormal. /x/ has compiled the ‘77 Days Research Document,’ a 36-page Google Doc where the members of the board have pooled their information about Pronunciation Book. They’re trying to uncover who is behind the channel, what the cryptic messages mean, and anything else they can find to make sense of the channel’s abrupt change.

The messages in the countdown videos thus far have been:

77: “Something is going to happen in 77 days.”

76: “I’ve been trying to tell you something for 1,183 days.”

75: “I’m awake now. Things are clearing up. I’m not saying the words anymore.”

74: “I’ve got a minute, let me tell you what I think is going on.”

73: “Tension between the districts has spiked in the last few months.”

72: “You can see it in the markets. Everyone’s ready for a storm.”

69: “No one is ready. He watches the market.”

68: “I‘m not talking about a disaster, I’m talking about a love triangle.”

67: “We fell into the jungle for a summer of dollar crime.”


Today’s video:

Fuckin’ Dick

Fuckin' DickApparently Toronto is a hotbed of violent activism.

Or Cheney’s worried it might be, what with its close relationship to Vancouver, where the last time Cheney visited our famously polite northern neighbors they had seemingly ingested too much sugar and then forgotten to nap, resulting in a few hundred of them protesting Cheney’s visit.

So the former Vice President canceled The Terror In Toronto Tour!!!! at the last minute. 1

Ryan Ruppert of Spectre Live Corp. said on Monday that Cheney and his daughter Elizabeth had begged off through their agent.

“After speaking with their security advisers, they changed their mind on coming to the event,” Ruppert said. He said they had “decided it was better for their personal safety they stay out of Canada.”

What a fuckin’ pussy.

Don’t misunderstand; there are real reasons to indict Cheney. 2 But no one is suicidal enough to actually do so. Certainly not an American court, much less a Canadian or any western European state.

No, He Who Hath No Pulse is fairly free to go where he pleases…had he the balls.

It’s more than a little ironic that The Dark Lord, he who exported terror and death throughout his reign, is afraid of a country that exports the Cirque du Soliel.

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Show 2 footnotes

  1. Hardly a waste – all he was going to do was talk about his days of MD 20/20 and meth in the White House, as well as his unsolicited thoughts on America’s current political situation. At something call the Metro Torornto Convention Center, where he looks to have been sandwiched between Administrative Professionals Conference and the Real Estate Investor Forum. As a savy consumer, I’d spend my loonies on the Real Estate gig.
  2. As well as Bush and that toad Rove.


Greeks Eagerly Embrace Measures to Assist EU Allies By Promising To Eat Dog Indefinitely; Delegation Immediately Sent to ROK For Tasty Bulgogi Recipes

“Greece enacted billions of euros in spending cuts and fresh austerity measures last night in a volatile parliamentary vote aimed at avoiding default on its national debt and keeping the eurozone intact, despite some of the worst rioting and political violence witnessed in the country in years…

In return, Greece is to receive a second eurozone bailout in two years worth €130bn in addition to a €100bn writedown of debt by the bankrupt country’s private creditors.

There was turmoil inside the parliament, too. MPs voted 199-74 in favour of the cutbacks, despite strong dissent among the two main coalition members.A total of 37 politicians from the majority Socialists and conservative New Democracy party either voted against the party line or abstained. A further six voted against sections of the legislation. After the vote, the government announced that those 43 MPs had been expelled” (via)

if you’ve not been following along at home 1, you should understand that the riots, the forced dog-eating, the rapine and pillage, it’s all over one, count it O N E, PayDay™ loan.

In other words this loan, the granting of which is based on the dog-eating 2, is only being used so Greece doesn’t immediately default on its obligations and bust up the EU.

Another, much larger loan from the ECB/IMF will be needed to actually bring back the EU from the brink of dissolution stave off the country falling into bankruptcy.

And to recieve that financing? Apparently even dog will have to go right off the menu. 3

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Show 3 footnotes

  1. Yes, we understand; it may take us months to get over Whitney’s demise…
  2. And to us that’s a wash; really, would it make any difference to your lunchtime gyro if the meat’s dog or “lamb”? Didn’t think so…
  3. Which I suppose is fine; the only successful Greek restaurants serve just one meal  breakfast. usually for less that $2 U.S.