WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— Offering a stunningly blunt appraisal of the North Korean leader, Jared Kushner said on Tuesday that Kim Jong-un was a “totally unqualified person” who attained his position of power only through nepotism.

“Here you have a guy who has no government experience, and he’s in charge of the whole thing,” Kushner said, in an interview with Fox News. “It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

Kushner noted that, instead of working his way up and acquiring the skills necessary to do his job, the North Korean leader had been given huge responsibilities and power “only because of family connections.”

“There’s only one word for that,” he said. “Nepotism.”


Greed: Goldman Sachs

Goldman Sachs

If you want to understand how complex multinational companies are, consider this.
In Hong Kong, there’s a company called Goldman Sachs Structured Products (Asia) Limited. It’s controlled by another company called Goldman Sachs (Asia) Finance, registered in Mauritius.

That’s controlled by a company in Hong Kong, which is controlled by a company in New York, which is controlled by a company in Delaware, and that company is controlled by another company in Delaware called GS Holdings (Delaware) L.L.C. II.

…Which itself is a subsidiary of the only Goldman you’re likely to have heard of, The Goldman Sachs Group in New York City.

That’s only one of hundreds of such chains. All told, Goldman Sachs consists of more than 4000 separate corporate entities all over the world, some of which are around ten layers of control below the New York HQ.

Of those companies approximately a third are registered in nations that might be described as tax havens.Indeed, in the world of Goldman Sachs, the Cayman Islands are bigger than South America, and Mauritius is bigger than Africa.


George Zimmerman: Juror B37

Already with the book?

We mentioned earlier today that one of the jurors on the Zimmerman jury has already signed on with a literary agent to sell her book about being a juror on the trial – in other words less than 36 hours after the end of case. (Presumably – hopefully – she wasn’t in contact with the agent prior to the verdict.) But that turnaround leaves little question that she was planning on writing a book at least during the time she was deliberating.

Of course it gets better…

Juror B37 hates the media and thinks all reporting is biased. She doesn’t listen to the radio or read the Internet but rather gets all her news from the Today show. She also repeatedly referred to the riots that broke out in Sanford after Martin was killed. Of course, there were no riots after Martin was killed.

In other words, juror B37 is not only ignorant but militantly ignorant…

From my limited experience with trials, juror B37 seems about par for the course. 1  Without personally denigrating any one individual it behooves us to remember the average IQ in this country is 100, which is plenty smart enough to duck jury duty. That pretty much leaves you with bored housewives, shut-ins, the aged and those for whom $35 a day (plus meals!) is a windfall.

To be frank? I certainly wouldn’t want them as my judges, much less would voluntarily buy a book “written” by one of them. What – I need to read a couple hundred pages of how emotionally excruciating it was to only be able to weigh the actual facts of the case rather than what everyone knew to be true? Quelle horreur!

Perhaps juror B37 took that into account (after all hasn’t that trope –beleaguered citizen juror attempting against all odds to do what’s right — long since jumped the sharknado?) since she has changed her mind:

“The potential book was always intended to be a respectful observation of the trial from my and my husband’s perspectives solely and it was to be an observation that our ‘system’ of justice can get so complicated that it creates a conflict with our ‘spirit’ of justice,” juror B37 said in a written statement, as quoted by Reuters.

“Now that I am returned to my family and to society in general, I have realized that the best direction for me to go is away from writing any sort of book and return instead to my life as it was before I was called to sit on this jury,” the statement continued.

Huh: “…the best direction for me to go is away from writing any sort of book…”

Close, B37. The best direction is for you to go away.


Show 1 footnote

  1. Perhaps a little more calculating than most – it seems obvious she had to be thinking about writing a book of her “experiences” fairly early on.

Must Be Ambidextrous

Over the last couple of days we’ve posted items concerning the best/worst jobs available, as well as a note on China’s Great Firewall.

Today we’d like to combine both things:

Job Title: Chief Pornographic Identification Officer
Work Location: Beijing
Compensation: 200,000 RMB (US$32,300) yearly
Job Description: Rapid Determination of Adult Sites

1) Must be familiar with the standard of adult content from around the world
2) Must be familiar with China’s law standards regarding adult content, familiar with documented regulations
3) Must be familiar with the standards for adult content on China’s internet and it’s service providers
4) Regardless of gender, must be college graduate from 25-35 years old
5) Must have a strong sense of responsibility and work well in a team

Just to be clear, the whole title of the position is…

Chief Pornographic Identification Officer for the League of Safety

…which sounds rather like the data guy for The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. You know –  the nerd who busts the byzantine Venetian door codes locks (from the safety of Nemo’s submersible) while Quatermain and crew are risking their lives? Sweet!

The job also comes with bennies: I mean, in addition to getting decently paid (by Chinese standards) for browsing porn all day, you get birthday presents and daily fruit with yogurt… 1


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Show 1 footnote

  1. Had there been a legitimate link to a library in this item, I would have been overjoyed. Alas…

Thomas Should Have Called Bishop Finn

The pastor of St. Aloysius church on Springfield’s north end has been granted a leave of absence after he called 911 from the rectory and told a dispatcher that he needed help getting out of handcuffs.
“I’m going to need help getting out before this becomes a medical emergency,” Father Tom Donovan told a dispatcher who sounds a bit incredulous during the Nov. 28 call.

“You’re stuck in a pair of handcuffs?” the dispatcher asks.

“(I was) playing with them and I need help getting out,” Donovan responds.

Donovan told the dispatcher that he was alone in the rectory. It’s not clear exactly how he ended up in handcuffs or why he feared a medical emergency. His voice sounds garbled or muffled on the tape, and sources say that police discovered some sort of gag on the priest when they arrived.

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Bishops Finn and Paprocki
Sitting in a tree
K I S S I N G;

First comes bondage
The comes whipping
Then comes the steaming Pear of Anguish (Open wide!)

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Show 1 footnote

  1. Finn and Paprocki sound like two peas in a pod; wonder what they talked about in Baltimore last year?