WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— Offering a stunningly blunt appraisal of the North Korean leader, Jared Kushner said on Tuesday that Kim Jong-un was a “totally unqualified person” who attained his position of power only through nepotism.

“Here you have a guy who has no government experience, and he’s in charge of the whole thing,” Kushner said, in an interview with Fox News. “It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

Kushner noted that, instead of working his way up and acquiring the skills necessary to do his job, the North Korean leader had been given huge responsibilities and power “only because of family connections.”

“There’s only one word for that,” he said. “Nepotism.”


…and Eiron laughs with Walmart

So, Walmart is selling Banksy prints. Not one of those nice, pretty, abstract Banksy prints, either. We’re talking a straight-up DESTROY CAPITALISM joint. Also, in Banky’s usual, irritatingly straightforward symbolism, it’s clear that this piece parodies the marketability of chic socialist values.

There are three possibilities here. One, Walmart markets their wares through algorithmic estimation, and a sellable, royalty-free painting wasn’t going to slip through their bottom line. But considering this thing is literally titled “Banksy Destroy Capitalism Canvas” I’m not so sure. The more likely scenario is that they just don’t fucking care, and there’s a board room of Walmart executives patting each other on the back right now. Maybe they should start selling Bernie bumper stickers too.

There’s also the chance that Walmart is crying out for help. Maybe the corporation is leaning toward Banky’s (sic) satire to try and coerce a generation into tangible action instead of dumb mantle pieces. I’m gonna go with that, mostly because the idea of a guilty Walmart makes me laugh.

...and Eiron laughs with Walmart

Hack Florida

Oh, teh stoopid – it burns!!!!

Last year a hacker in Florida revealed security vulnerabilities in one county’s elections web domains, so election officials could fix the problem. Naturally, instead of repairing their sites they elected to have the hacker arrested.

David Michael Levin, owner of Vanguard Cybersecurity, was arrested after the Florida Department of Law Enforcement received a referral from the Lee County Sheriff’s Office detailing Levin’s naïve attempt to thwart election fraud by exposing the online vulnerabilities.

Levin spent six hours in jail, held on $15,000 bond. He now faces three counts of gaining unauthorized access to a computer, network, or electronic instrument — despite the fact he had not only been doing his job, but also alerted the county to a potentially serious security concern.

All we can say is when exposure of a crime is treated as a criminal act, you are ruled by criminals.

But then…you already knew that, n’est-ce pas?

Hack Florida

On Dead Pig Fucking

David Cameron

Let us first mention that when a couple of frat houses that ring the CU campus attempted to “rush” us (back in the day), we saw far “worse” things than dead pig fucking.

Having said that we also note that not deigning to respond to the allegations is exactly opposite to the response anyone who had not fucked a dead pig would offer. Instead they would say something like “Hell,no, I didn’t fuck a dead pig. Are you crazy?!”

However the secret societies the rich and famous end up pledging tend to be unusually perverse, so it would not surprise us if Cameron fucked a dead pig. Indeed, it might explain the vague non-answer (put out by his office, not Cameron himself.): what if there’s a reddit of 4chan admin sitting on a picture of same? This way if such surfaces he can claim he didn’t lie about the incident. He may well have fucked a dead pig, but b’gawd he didn’t lie about it.

Though, frankly? It is a moot point; most of the world believes he fucked a dead pig. 1 Good thing he’s not currently standing for office. 2

On Dead Pig Fucking

Show 2 footnotes

  1. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  2. Though someone was kind enough to put together a lot of campaign music for him on Spotify.


There are any numbers of ironies at play within your Federal government.

Some have to do with the nature of governance itself, some concerning the work your government requires of its employees. 1

One of the more obvious ironies is that your Federal government is unable to differentiate sarcasm from…well, almost anything else. And they’re finally admitting it.

Comes now the Secret Service to spell it out for us:

The software tool must possess the following capabilities/functionality:

• Real-time stream analysis;
• Customizable, keyword search features;
• Sentiment analysis;
• Trend analysis;
• Audience segmentation;
• Geographic segmentation;
Qualitative, data visualization representations (heat maps, charts, graphs, etc.);
• Multiple user access;
• Functionality to have read-only users;
• Access to historical twitter data;
• Influencer identification;
• Standard web browser access with login credentials;
• User level permissions;
Compatibility with Internet Explorer 8;
• Section 508 compliant;
Ability to detect sarcasm and false positives…

That’s correct; the Secret Service is soliciting for a software package that – among other things – must be able to detect sarcasm in Tweets. 2

In addition to that choice morsel is the part where the Secret Service states the software must be compatible with Internet Explorer 8 (itself an irony -ripping piece of sarcasm if there ever was one) as well as geo-locate users based on tweets (ever hear of Tor, Secret service? Thought not…) while displaying results in “user friendly” colored charts.

We swear we’re pretty sure we read in the RFP where the software must also hold the Secret Service’s hand.

Here to comment on the news, and on sarcasm in general, A Very Special Guest:

Rêves doux

Show 2 footnotes

  1. Dwarf killing, for example: always listed in one’s PD as “Other Duties As Assigned.”
  2. The entirety of the solicitation package is here should you have software that suits. Be quick though; the RFP closes tomorrow, Monday the 9th.