Category Archives: black irony

Nepotism

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— Offering a stunningly blunt appraisal of the North Korean leader, Jared Kushner said on Tuesday that Kim Jong-un was a “totally unqualified person” who attained his position of power only through nepotism.

“Here you have a guy who has no government experience, and he’s in charge of the whole thing,” Kushner said, in an interview with Fox News. “It’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard of.”

Kushner noted that, instead of working his way up and acquiring the skills necessary to do his job, the North Korean leader had been given huge responsibilities and power “only because of family connections.”

“There’s only one word for that,” he said. “Nepotism.”

Nepotism

…and Eiron laughs with Walmart

So, Walmart is selling Banksy prints. Not one of those nice, pretty, abstract Banksy prints, either. We’re talking a straight-up DESTROY CAPITALISM joint. Also, in Banky’s usual, irritatingly straightforward symbolism, it’s clear that this piece parodies the marketability of chic socialist values.

There are three possibilities here. One, Walmart markets their wares through algorithmic estimation, and a sellable, royalty-free painting wasn’t going to slip through their bottom line. But considering this thing is literally titled “Banksy Destroy Capitalism Canvas” I’m not so sure. The more likely scenario is that they just don’t fucking care, and there’s a board room of Walmart executives patting each other on the back right now. Maybe they should start selling Bernie bumper stickers too.

There’s also the chance that Walmart is crying out for help. Maybe the corporation is leaning toward Banky’s (sic) satire to try and coerce a generation into tangible action instead of dumb mantle pieces. I’m gonna go with that, mostly because the idea of a guilty Walmart makes me laugh.

...and Eiron laughs with Walmart

Hack Florida

Oh, teh stoopid – it burns!!!!

Last year a hacker in Florida revealed security vulnerabilities in one county’s elections web domains, so election officials could fix the problem. Naturally, instead of repairing their sites they elected to have the hacker arrested.

David Michael Levin, owner of Vanguard Cybersecurity, was arrested after the Florida Department of Law Enforcement received a referral from the Lee County Sheriff’s Office detailing Levin’s naïve attempt to thwart election fraud by exposing the online vulnerabilities.

Levin spent six hours in jail, held on $15,000 bond. He now faces three counts of gaining unauthorized access to a computer, network, or electronic instrument — despite the fact he had not only been doing his job, but also alerted the county to a potentially serious security concern.

All we can say is when exposure of a crime is treated as a criminal act, you are ruled by criminals.

But then…you already knew that, n’est-ce pas?

Hack Florida

On Dead Pig Fucking

David Cameron

Let us first mention that when a couple of frat houses that ring the CU campus attempted to “rush” us (back in the day), we saw far “worse” things than dead pig fucking.

Having said that we also note that not deigning to respond to the allegations is exactly opposite to the response anyone who had not fucked a dead pig would offer. Instead they would say something like “Hell,no, I didn’t fuck a dead pig. Are you crazy?!”

However the secret societies the rich and famous end up pledging tend to be unusually perverse, so it would not surprise us if Cameron fucked a dead pig. Indeed, it might explain the vague non-answer (put out by his office, not Cameron himself.): what if there’s a reddit of 4chan admin sitting on a picture of same? This way if such surfaces he can claim he didn’t lie about the incident. He may well have fucked a dead pig, but b’gawd he didn’t lie about it.

Though, frankly? It is a moot point; most of the world believes he fucked a dead pig. 1 Good thing he’s not currently standing for office. 2

On Dead Pig Fucking

Show 2 footnotes

  1. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
  2. Though someone was kind enough to put together a lot of campaign music for him on Spotify.

Sarcasm

There are any numbers of ironies at play within your Federal government.

Some have to do with the nature of governance itself, some concerning the work your government requires of its employees. 1

One of the more obvious ironies is that your Federal government is unable to differentiate sarcasm from…well, almost anything else. And they’re finally admitting it.

Comes now the Secret Service to spell it out for us:

5.0  – SPECIFIC REQUIREMENTS
The software tool must possess the following capabilities/functionality:

• Real-time stream analysis;
• Customizable, keyword search features;
• Sentiment analysis;
• Trend analysis;
• Audience segmentation;
• Geographic segmentation;
Qualitative, data visualization representations (heat maps, charts, graphs, etc.);
• Multiple user access;
• Functionality to have read-only users;
• Access to historical twitter data;
• Influencer identification;
• Standard web browser access with login credentials;
• User level permissions;
Compatibility with Internet Explorer 8;
• Section 508 compliant;
Ability to detect sarcasm and false positives…

That’s correct; the Secret Service is soliciting for a software package that – among other things – must be able to detect sarcasm in Tweets. 2

In addition to that choice morsel is the part where the Secret Service states the software must be compatible with Internet Explorer 8 (itself an irony -ripping piece of sarcasm if there ever was one) as well as geo-locate users based on tweets (ever hear of Tor, Secret service? Thought not…) while displaying results in “user friendly” colored charts.

We swear we’re pretty sure we read in the RFP where the software must also hold the Secret Service’s hand.

Here to comment on the news, and on sarcasm in general, A Very Special Guest:

Rêves doux

Show 2 footnotes

  1. Dwarf killing, for example: always listed in one’s PD as “Other Duties As Assigned.”
  2. The entirety of the solicitation package is here should you have software that suits. Be quick though; the RFP closes tomorrow, Monday the 9th.

Guantanamo Bay

Earlier this week, while we were busy with…ah…something…the Back Heritage Organization put on the duds to celebrate Black History month…

At Guantanamo Bay.

GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA- The Black Heritage Organization held their annual Black History Month banquet and residents and military members came together to help celebrate the 50th anniversary of the landmark Civil Rights Act of 1964, at Guantanamo Bay, Saturday, Feb. 22.

It was a night filled with food, fun and fellowship, starting with the National Anthem sang by Navy Petty Officer 1st Class Timothy Owens, as the Naval Hospital Guantanamo Bay Color Guard posted the colors.

“…food, fun and fellowship.”

We expect the detainees at Guantanamo Bay, many of whom who have been held sans charges since 2003, appreciated the irony involved.

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George Zimmerman

A good portion the US population thinks he’s some sort of hero. An equally rabid faction of America’s populace would love to pillory if not hang him. So it’s not like George Zimmerman doesn’t understand he would be wise to keep his head down through at least the next millennium.

Instead the cynical, media-manipulating genius goes out and assists a family out of their overturned and blazing SUV (said fire he snuffed with a fire extinguisher; what’s with this guy? He carries a handgun AND a fire extinguisher around with him? Next we’ll learn he also has an AED –with laminated certificate–in his fanny pack.)

We understand that Geraldo has scheduled an expose 1 showing that George recently moved right next to  I-4 and Route 46 just so he could save a family. It didn’t necessarily have to be Dana and Mark Gerstle and their two children…any family would have sufficed. Though, honestly? A black family, preferably with a black boy in the car, would have played better, sources close to Geraldo state.

Too bad the SUV couldn’t have been either black or white – blue is so wishy washy.

What’s next: George assists a woman of color giving birth in the backseat of a taxi? 2

Show 2 footnotes

  1. Assuming he can find some clothes by then. While apparently fit as a fiddle, Geraldo’s mind has dissipated to the point where he believes America is interested in his bare body. And while we don’t have any interest, per se, in his 70 year old corpus, we should mention it’s not as in-your-face incongruous as that doctor who’s overdoes on his own testosterone supplements, what’s this name, what’s his name…right: Jeffery Life! Now that’s one buff oldster! Which I suspect still isn’t helping him with the female 20 and 30 somethings, what with them having an innate feel for i.) sperm motility and, ii.) bottom line bank statements. Still, if we had several tens of thousands to spare we might invest some in Dr. Life’s elixir…
  2. Backseat of a Taxi would make a GREAT rock band name. Or, ya know, a good name for the royal baby; not too pretentious, not to snobby…

Zeroing Out the EPROMs

ARLINGTON, VA — The Department of the Army announced Wednesday they are determined to eliminate all operational memory from more than a decade of fighting the Global War on Terror.

Secretary of the Army John McHugh made it clear that these kind of cuts were necessary in the post-Afghanistan Army, despite having troops deployed in the field. “The Army has acquired a lot of useless knowledge that we’re currently in the process of purging from our data banks in the Pentagon,” McHugh said.

Cuts to personnel have been the Army’s greatest reduction of all, as mid-level officers and NCOs alike have fled the Army’s bureaucracy in droves.

“Personnel cuts and a hiring freeze are set to take effect. It’s a good start.” said Assistant Secretary of the Army Thomas Lamont. “We have to go further however, and branches like the Army have to realize they’ve had it easy with learning invaluable lessons in counter-terrorism and counterinsurgency.”

Lamont stressed that once finished, the Army wouldn’t even remember having fought such a conflict.

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Multimillionaire Hamid Karzai

For more than a decade, wads of American dollars packed into suitcases, backpacks and, on occasion, plastic shopping bags have been dropped off every month or so at the offices of Afghanistan’s president courtesy of the Central Intelligence Agency.

All told, tens of millions of dollars have flowed from the C.I.A. to the office of President Hamid Karzai, according to current and former advisers to the Afghan leader.

Moreover, there is little evidence that the payments bought the influence the C.I.A. sought. Instead, some American officials said, the cash has fueled corruption and empowered warlords, undermining Washington’s exit strategy from Afghanistan.

“The biggest source of corruption in Afghanistan,” one American official said, “was the United States.”

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MI6 officials have acknowledged that the organisation has made direct cash payments to their Afghan counterparts periodically over the 12 years Britain has been at war in Afghanistan.

MPs expressed concern that by simply handing over so-called “ghost money” to President Karzai and his lieutenants, British spies could not be sure that the money would not be lost to corruption.

Adam Holloway, a Conservative MP and member of the Defence Select Committee, warned that they could not be trusted even if the payments could be justified on the grounds that Taliban and other insurgents must be rewarded if they give up the fight against Nato troops.

The revelation that Mr Karzai’s office is awash with cash from his allies has caused a furore in the Afghan parliament where Mr Karzai’s government has faced a barrage of corruption allegations.

“Accepting such money is a big insult to Afghanistan. All those who accepted the cash payments have betrayed the nation,” said Hidayatullah Rihaee, an MP from Bamyan province.

But Mr Karzai said the cash flow was vital to his grip on power and said he had begged the CIA station chief to continue making payments despite US political criticism.

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Hmmm…where have we heard this before? The storyline seems oh so familiar…wait, I know:

The CIA, which was then directed by future president George H. W. Bush, provided Noriega with hundreds of thousands of dollars per year as payment for his work in Latin America. However, when CIA pilot Eugene Hasenfus was shot down over Nicaragua by the Sandinistas, documents aboard the plane revealed many of the CIA’s activities in Latin America, and the CIA’s connections with Noriega became a public relations ‘liability’ for the U.S. government, which finally allowed the DEA to indict him for drug trafficking, after decades of allowing his drug operations to proceed unchecked.

Ahh..that’s it!

And like Noriega, you’ll notice that Karzai has nothing to eradicate the poppy fields drug trade that ostensibly results in the U.S. spending billions on our failed War On Drugs.

Also like Noriega, one expects that Karzai’s posse is diligently keeping track of every U. S. dollar and British pound sterling, right? After all, one would hate to discover that all that dough is being siphoned off by the Pashtun version of the Crips n’ the Bloods.

Though you know it is.

Kabul will take a dive less than two weeks after we leave. Karzai will conveniently reappear somewhere on the Continent when that happens, taking up residence in one of those ubiquitous ‘compounds’ strongmen, thieves and cowards so love.

He’ll issue press statements.

And the cash will have disappeared.

Jesus Fucking Christ On A Crutch, what the fuck are we still doing in Afghanistan?

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Oh baby jebus the sweet irony…

Last week we heard a brief blurb concerning America’s noted ambassadeur sans portefeuille Dennis Rodman’s (then) upcoming visit to North Korea.

After a moment or two of fluff — intoned in that serious NPR mien– the reporter ended with…

“North Korean and South Korea were once the same country but split after a brief war in the early 1950s.” 1

So it has come to pass that major historical events that shaped the current global geo-political landscape are but reductionist footnotes in the service of the cult of personality. Small wonder then that actual news garners little more than a headline “At the Top of the Hour!” Such was the case in CLAPPER, DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE, ET AL. v. AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL USA ET AL.

SCOTUS barely looked at it.

Indeed, what they did was punt.

For all intents and purposes SCOTUS decided that it would protect the ongoing (and imho illegal) secret federal government surveillance programs snooping into any and all American’s lives because introducing evidence in support of same would be all too damned secret. 2

Once again a lawsuit challenging the decade old Fed’s clandestine electronic surveillance of all Americans is dismissed without any ruling on whether said egregiously poor manners also happens to violate several constitutional rights.

This tactic should shock or at least frighten core Obama supporters; it is no different in any aspect than what The Dark Lord and Shrub did, that is wrap its actions in total secrecy. Which in turns allows SCOTUS (or that right-wing portion thereof) to smarmily assert that since nobody can, you know, prove you’ve been subjected to electronic eavesdropping (because IT”S SECRET!!!!) you have no “standing” to sue and (possibly) garner a ruling on the constitutionality of said (SECRET!!!!) eavesdropping.

Seriously, people…

Wake the fuck up.

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Show 2 footnotes

  1. Or something awfully similar; I was taking directions on what to add and/or not add to the Astas’ pizza and was somewhat distracted. In the end, aptly enough, we agreed to a pizza DMZ: mushrooms on the north half, pepperoni on the south half. However no huge flags were allowed to fly over any part of the DMZ.
  2. And here we’d like to recommend a book for all you who only think you understand the phrase Catch 22.