Au Courant

This week’s au courant links:

And finally, to enjoy the Star Trek Beyond trailer:

Au Courant

Lees and Orts

burning ducksFiled under Things That Are Making No Sense is the story of the burning ducks.

Some Russian officials killed then burned 50 Ukrainian ducklings being smuggled into the country.

“The ducklings did not have any accompanying documents, so a decision was made to destroy them,” said purported human being Svetlana Zaporozhchenko.

Yes, this is being a real thing.

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You have been thinking to yourself many times “Where are the wax figures going to die, yes?”

They are going to Ohio.

The Mansfield, Ohio, BibleWalk museum is taking the left-over wax figures no one wants any more -the Tom Cruises, John Travoltas, Ringo Starrs and the Prince Charles- and giving them an afterlife. Tom Cruise is being the Jesus, though it is not known whether he is hanging from the cross.

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Because the Japanese are fucking ineffable they are to be painting one of their airliners to sorta look like R2D2.

No, no one knows why. Probably because Disney told them to. As a promotional device; you understand device? Because all eyes will be turned the skyward to see this giant R2D2 flying above them at 30,000 feet. This is the great advertisement device.

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So, you are an American, yes?

As an American what are you thinking of Putin? He is a horrible sociopath, yes? With his shirtless horse-riding and journalist killing and his uncool warlike personality? We are agreed: most Russians are thinking he’s a fucker, too. We just can’t say too much because Lubyanka is still a real thing no matter what that tired old second-rate actor you had for a president told you. So are the KGB, they just used social media to rebrand themselves.

So Putin is the sociopath. Not a psychopath, that is being Stalin, the Пизда с ушами, may he die a thousand deaths. Russia knows sociopaths, okay? We know the difference between pure evil and self-regarding sociopaths, I am telling you. So listen to me now when I am telling you this Jeffery Bezos is a sociopath.

Are you reading the too god damn long piece in the New York Times making the Bezos out to be a hero of no revolution? Because he pushes the workers nose to the grindstone? And then pushes some more and tells the workers they like it? Yes, that’s right – he is a fucking sociopath.

You Americans think that your “techies” are bigger than life and can do no wrong. You thought the same thing about the Steven Jobs and he was the big fucking sociopath too. You know what the Jobs and the Bezos have in common? They both created a workforce that is spending every minute of every day devoting their lives to their heroes. And the workers still love these pricks even when they do terrible things like fire people with cancer or fire people who want to spend time with their families. The Bezos and the Jobs are evil people.

The only hope for the Amazonians is if they wake up and go to work for literally any other tech company that treats people properly.

Or they could get a union. Unions are good. Bezos and Jobs are bad.

(Ed’s Note: Our foreign correspondent Titus Sovetologov has just returned from an extended research trip and will contribute more articles in the future.)

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The City at the End of the World

A Centrifuge
Translated from the Russian: "City of 10,000 Centrifuges and Binders Full of Women"

After a night’s rest it became obvious to us that no presidential candidate would dare utter baffling statements about ‘binders full of women’ or ‘ten thousand cetrifuges’ unless such things actually existed.

To do so would be political suicide, correct?

So we did some research.

First we checked the WNBTv file cabinets. You know, on the off chance we were the proud owners of binders full of women. Sadly, such was not the case.

We also peered into the storage room and ducked down the stairs to the unfinished basement, seeking any elusive WMDs centrifuges that might be lurking about. Again, no joy.

Which made sense; binders full of women, not to mention ten thousand centrifuges, would take up considerable space. Certainly far more than afforded by WNBTv’s meager warren of rooms. Indeed, more space than even Iran might possess. Where might such vast expanses exist?

Russia of course.

Welcome to Pyramiden, the city Russia built specially to secretly house Mitt Romney’s binders full of women and ten thousand centrifuges.

Good luck with the centrifuges. 1

WNBTv - Good TV!

Show 1 footnote

  1. Of course we took the binders full of women. What do we look like – deeply closeted Republicans?