2017 Predictions

Given the unqualified success 1 of WNBTv‘s 2016 predictions, we thought it only fitting to offer our thoughts for the coming year:

  • Little Kimmie Kardashian says “enough”, divorces Kanye West; Kanye joins the Manchurian President-elect’s administration, ’cause he, too, has “all the best words.”
  • Angela Merkel wins the Nobel Peace Prize.
  • Erin Little will leave KMBC. 2
  • Cubbies win the World Series again against LA Dodgers. 3
  • Popular baby names in 2017:  Harambe, Nasty Woman, Negan, Forrest, Theo, Bre, Vegan and Hope.
  • Most of California is pulled into the ocean by a massive earthquake. 4
  • Hackers will continue to exploit IoT devices, most likely using Edwin, the app-connected smart duck. Similarly, drone jacking will become a major thang. Oh, and the Internet will be down for at least a day this year. 5
  • Snapchat’s Spectacles and Apple’s AirPods are YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE hits. 6
  • The Manchurian President-elect will do something stupid.  7
  • Tesla starts shipping its solar roof product, but can’t remotely keep up with demand.
  • Adele and Beyoncé will announce the coming of The Star Child.
  • The Queen Mum dies in her sleep, which –in theory—would have allowed allowing Charles to finally get his freak on. But Charles is 68 and one simply doesn’t get their freak on at that age; chances are he will abdicate the throne to William who, at 34, has a couple of decades to act badly before he also winds down. 8 9
  • The Dims will get over the fact the Russians like the GOP better and try and find a state-sponsored hacking group to return them to power in 2018. 10
  • The Rich will get immensely richer, and the rest of us will take in the shorts. Again. 11
  • The Manchurian President-elect’s Department of Justice allows AT&T to buy Time Warner with almost no restrictions. 12]
  • The ACA is repealed…though not replaced for up to 3 years; folks looking for new coverage will find it; at a higher cost; and only if they have no pre-existing conditions.
  • The Manchurian President-elect will double down on his Twitter usage. He will also turn out to be The Ghost President, so named for his famous fear of facing the media live. 13]
  • Mayor James will double down on his street car, fucked up roads, sidewalks and piss poor lighting be damned. 14
  • Giants vs Patriots in the Super Bowl: Patriots win, deflated balls or no.
  • Oscars: Kenneth Lonergan for Best Director (Manchester By the Sea); La La Land for Best Picture; Casey Affleck takes Best Actor (Manchester By the Sea); Natalie Portman wins Best Actress (Jackie). Was there a Disney movie this year? Did it feature a couple of songs? Then, by rule, it wins: “How Far I’ll Go” (Moana.) 15
  • Both Snapchat and Dropbox offer IPOs.
  • Both the Dow and S&P will have fallen more than 15% by the end of 2017. [18 . This will be precipitated –like the last tech bubble– by unrealistic P&E rations as well as an emerging markets crisis brought on by a dollar shortage.]
  • 2017 Predictions

    Show 15 footnotes

    1. Okay okay oaky – in a year that saw literally everybody else pass away, the Queen Mum DID NOT die. And Charlie Sheen WAS NOT the first celebrity arrested, nor did Black Lives Matter cut a hip-hop album. HOWEVER, DiCaprio did win an Oscar; the results of the Iowa primary were dismissed (by the losers) as much ado about nothing, and Kim Davis again did do something stupid. So, by using the transitive properties of “one person, one vote”, that gives us a yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge win for last year’s prognostications.
    2. Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaal!
    3. Oops!
    4. Fire; I meant ‘consumed by climate-change induced wildfires.’
    5. Hell, that was too easy.
    6. Amazingly none of Google’s wearables have cut any market ice; indeed, they appear frozen out of the market, with Fitbit and Apple Watch taking the rest of the business.
    7. Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaal!
    8. Assuming Kate doesn’t already have William’s nads in one of her Mulberry Polly Push Locks.
    9. You can add
      George H. W. Bush to this prediction; the elder Bush is 90-someodd and his health has been failing over the last year. And if he goes, Barbara Bush will follow close behind; another nonagenarian, she’d rather follow her hubby than stick around for the likes of Our Manchurain President-elect. Look for this around this coming Christmas.
    10. We understand PLA Unit 61398 is under utilized.
    11. Gooooooooooooooal!
    12.  Gooooooooooooooal!
    13.  Gooooooooooooooal!
    14. Oh, right; We forgot James wants to borrow nealy a billion dollars to take care of basic necessities. We expect the KC voters, who never met a shiny obect they could refuse, will follow blindly along.
    15. Partial goal.