2016 Predictions

Occasionally over our holiday break we pondered how best to summarize 2015. Yet no epiphany explaining the ineffable ever came to mind. 1

So instead we turned our attention to 2016; what sort of year might be in the offing? We had more luck there – what follows is a list of significant events, in no particular order, we foresee in 2016.

  • Charlie Sheen will be the first celebrity to be arrested in 2016.
  • Leonardo DiCaprio finally gets an Oscar in 2016.
  • The Queen 2 turns 90, then promptly dies in her sleep, allowing Charles to finally get his freak on. However it turns out he’s waited too long, that all he really wants is a bit of a liedown in the afternoons.
  • The Texas State Board of Education institutes a new dress code in its public K-12 schools; all girls will be required to wear nuns’ habits. Boys can dress as they please but are encouraged to stone girls who do not abide by the new code.
  • Miley Cyrus will reveal that she was serially abused as a child by an unknown number of Disney cartoon characters, surprising no one.
  • The results of the Iowa primary will be dismissed (by the losers) as much ado about nothing; the same will be true of the New Hampshire and South Carolina results. 3 After SC, though? Shit will get real…
  • The fashion trend of 2016 will merely be silly (beaded eyelash extensions) instead of disfiguring (Kylie Jenner balloon-like lips).
  • The Black Lives Matter movement cuts a hip-hop album that sells extremely well in
    Atlanta, Philadelphia, Chicago, Kansas City and LA. The movement falls apart after an ugly disagreement over how to spend the proceeds. 4
  • The producers of Dancing with the Stars, having seen his moves on YouTube, invite Kansas City Mayor Sly James on to the show. He is voted off after the first episode and immediately complains the process was handled incorrectly: he proposes that only votes from a special Kansas City Downtown Voting District should be counted.
  • Kansas City, though both national and local meteorologists predict the event sufficiently far enough in advance for city services to prepare, suffers from an ice storm that shuts down most of the neighborhood streets, with trash uncollected, for 3 or 4 days. Mayor James secretly dances in his office alone. Wait a minute…
  • Desperate for relevancy Kim Davis will (again) do something stupid and (again) illegal. America yawns.
  • After an old-fashioned bare knuckle convention floor fight, Donald Trump accepts the GOP nomination. He immediately picks Sarah Palin as his running mate, thereby assuring Tina Fey of anywhere from six months to eight years of work.
  • The federal Department of Justice announces a massive, wide-ranging investigation into both the Royals and Chiefs’ organizations. The announcement comes less than 5 minutes after the Chiefs win Super Bowl 50.

2016 Predictions

Show 4 footnotes

  1. And this despite various levels of inebriation.
  2. What do you mean “which queen”? There’s only one queen – ask her.
  3. “Moral” victories will be claimed by numerous candidates after each primary/caucus. For all the good it will do them…
  4. 10 year T-notes vs. weapons.

Something to say...?