Cops and Your Ass

Apparently it needed to be spelled out in the Constitution that cops don’t have the right to just arbitrarily search you anal cavity. Fortunately the 9th Circuit Court ruled this week said behavior is verbotten.

I imagine some of you, probably the non-lawyers, believed there were already some limits on cops yanking things out of your ass, or, for that matter, putting things in it, which is often a required precursor to such yanking. Technically there are such limits, though I’m sure somebody out there would be willing to debate whether the Founders ever contemplated, when crafting the Fourth Amendment, the possibility that the government they were creating might one day employ agents to look up citizen asses on a regular basis.

“For why declare [in a Bill of Rights] that things shall not be done which there is no power to do? Why, for instance, should it be said that constables may not invade the buttocks of the citizenry, when no power is given by which such spelunking could be justified? I will not contend that such a provision would confer a regulating power; but it is evident that it would furnish, to men disposed to usurp, a plausible pretense for claiming that power.” 

Alexander Hamilton, Federalist No. 84 (first draft)

“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, anuses, rectums, colons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place or buttocks to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

U.S. Const., amend. IV (rejected draft)

They probably didn’t, partly because (1) there was no such thing as a police force at the time and (2) they assumed we would not all go completely insane in less than 300 years.

It’s a coin-flip, folks, which has caused more harm to our nation’s citizens: The endless War on Drugs or our perverse love affair with guns.

But go back to your coffee; there’s obviously nothing you should do about it.

Cops and Your Ass

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