Fan Mail From Some Flounder

July 13th, 2015

Dear Nick,

Do you know the inside scoop on Kalee Dionne’s recent weight loss: did she do the grapefruit diet, the nasty-as-shit-all-veggie drink, or does she have cancer? I also heard that she had entered a new exercise program in preparation for an upcoming lucha libre match against Joel Nichols? Any truth to that one?

Thanks,
Cindi

Dear Cindi,

That Akismet is quite the little plugin, isn’t it?

You have to understand we’re not privy to the details of Ms. Dionne’s weight loss program, if indeed she is even using one. In fact, we don’t know the lady at all. So she may or may not be losing weight.

On the other hand…the station may be slipping special lens over their cameras to give her a slimmer appearance. These type of lens are used all the time to, say, blur the hard edges off of some old battleship – Dianne Sawyer comes to mind. 1 Or it could be something as simple as having her back molars yanked. 2 Alternatively, perhaps she’s taken up either meth or speed recreationally – that would sure cause some weight loss! 3

However we suspect that Ms. Dionne is simply human and alternately gains or loses a little weight every other week or so. Just like the everyone else.

As for matching her up against Joel in a Mexican wrasslin match? Well, we’ve not heard anything, but we suspect Joel would be up for it.

Best Regards,
Nick

Fan Mail From Some Flounder

Show 3 footnotes

  1. Back in the day we’d just smear a ring of vaseline on the outside edges of a clear lens to give a soft glowing effect, or slip a cross-hatched lens on and open the aperture a bit and, voila!, star twinkles everywhere!
  2. Many news readers/models do this in order to gain a slimmer facial profile. And who cares, really? The ‘wisdom teeth’ are as vestigial as our tailbones – we neither have to masticate on tough mastodon meat or use our tails for balance any more. As a result our bodies evolved: our jaws became smaller and our tails fused into the  painfully useless coccyx.
  3. Though let us plainly state before we go any farther that we do not offer this as a serious suggestion: the mood swings caused by habitual use of either drug would make her unsuitable for any work in a modern television station. Well…except for that of a Technical Director.

Something to say...?