The Price of Your Nuts

I grew to maturity 1 in the Paleolithic era.

Back then men opened any and all doors for women, listened to a lot of baseball on the radio and said things like “Heyaheyup” and “Hamina-hamina-hamina-hamina.” 2 Adult males were also known to publicly and swiftly correct a kid’s errant ways. Didn’t have to be their kid, either, or even a kid they knew. You got out of line around an adult in the day and you were apt to catch a knuckle-thump atop your noggin, followed by a demand for your father’s name and phone number. 3

Thus a smart kid never said shit like “I wouldn’t touch her with your dick” around an adult. 4 Even telling your best bud that you’d give your left nut for, well, anything, around adults was also not an especially good idea. Though it got said all the time.

The first time I uttered the phrase was in conjunction with a ’64 mustang, mandarin orange with a white ragtop. 5

Offering up your left nut for a dream car was extremely popular. It proved you were serious about your intent, that the object of your desire meant enough to you that you would willingly sacrifice (a rather important) part of your body. It gave even the most callow longing gravitas.

The phrase is still popular today, apparently.

In fact, it appears that some people actually do part with their left nut for a sweet ride.

Mark Parisi declared on CBS’s show The Doctors he will be donating one of his testicles to medical science for US$35,000 so he can buy himself a new Nissan 370[Z].


So, the Nissan is nice and all? But I’m here to tell you that even getting the twins ‘nipped’ can cause some intermittent discomfort, but taking one of the twins out of the picture for good? Nah uh; Nissan ain’t gonna cut it, baby.

See, I’m thinking I’m going to want some serious comfort in my ride afterward, like as in a Mercedes S550 “S” class, all tricked out. That means my left nut is going to run you $150k.

Trust me on this one; father knows best.

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Show 5 footnotes

  1. Such as it is.
  2. ‘course…they also said shit like “One of these days, one of these days (and here they would show their fist to their wife) POW! Right in the kisser!” I know, I know; it’s what passed for humor and you definitely had to be there.
  3. Which you damn well gave out, if you knew what was good for you.
  4. Yes, sexism was endemic to the era. It was one of the leading contributors to the counter-culture revolution of the 60s, should foggy memory not fail me.
  5. I will note I did not say this until I was nearly an adult.

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