KCPS, Unaccredited Education System, Dies At 146

KCPS (Kansas City Public Schools), Kansas City’s main school district, perpetually either provisionally accredited or unaccredited, subject of a thirty year desegregation lawsuit that saw the district squander over two billion dollars, died today in Jefferson City, Missouri, of a surreal suicide brought about by a combination of morbidly gross mismanagement and a surfeit of both fabulous wealth and wrenching poverty. KCPS’s suicide was ably assisted by Arthur Benson. KCPS was 146.

Born in 1867 KCPS originally served 2,150 children and, at it’s most bloated, once served 35,000 students. At the time of death it served just over 14,000 children; 61.1% African-American, 26.3% Hispanic, 9% Caucasian, 3% Asian/Pacific Islander and 0.2% American Indian/Alaskan Native. 87.75% of KCPS students are eligible for free/reduced lunch.

KCPS married well over a dozen Superintendents, though never seemed to keep one longer than three years. The latest Superintendent, Dr. Stephen Green, looks to be the last, presiding as he will over KCPS’s interment.

KCPS leaves behind several thousand uneducated children, several current KCPS board members who will now have to find another hobby, a right handful of unused buildings and considerable debt.

Services will be ongoing over the next few years until such time as KCPS realizes it is dead, at which point the final looting of services contracts will take place, undoubtedly in a secure, unknown location where the bright light of the state’s sunshine law will fail to illuminate a damn thing.

Kansas City Mayor James today declared that any current or past KCPS scholars are welcome to place a memorial marker for KCPS along any public Kansas City roadside.

In lieu of memorial contributions please petition the Mayor’s office to quit spending our tax dollars on worthless crap and to instead fix the roads, sidewalks and lights of our city.

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