Nick\’s Dick Rulez

As it appears the unfortunate Kansas City sexting incident(s) we mentioned Saturday have some factual basis, we decided it was (high past) time for a set of rules regarding mens’ seemingly ubiquitious junk:

1.) Keep it in your pants. I don’t care if s/he swears on a stack of illuminated Gideon Bibles 1 that these pics of your dick will never ever see the light of day 2 keep your Little Major safely bunkered in your UnderArmor; sure as Your Lord God made sheep with incredibly soft and wooly hindquarters, that iPrick will find its way to the Innernetz. Probably even as s/he is assuring you it won’t.

2.) Keep it in your pants. Sure – you’re hip, you’re ‘now’, you’re Charlie! But you have no more idea of how Snapchat works – or doesn’t – than the man in the moon.

3.)Keep it in your pants.I don’t care what your Slick Willey is muttering about “Oh yeah she wants it yeah she wants to SEE IT baby!”, 99 out of 100 times your own dick will be lying to you. Your dick doesn’t care; it just wants what it wants and is not above any deception to achieve its e-vil ends. And that includes doing your “thinking” for you. So hold off tweeting your junk until you’re sober; your bail bondsman will thank you for it. 3

4.) Keep it in your pants. Liver (even warmed up in the microwave) – seriously? A vacuum cleaner? And you would voluntarily snap a pic of that to share with the world? Are you insane?

5.) Keep it in your pants. It’s a public place, there could be small children around. I don’t care that your 6th beer has caught you up – find a facility. And certainly don’t stop and take a long admiring video of your powerful stream; in some states -which I believe include both Kansas and Missouri– public urination will land you on the Known Perv list for life. No shit.

That’s about it.

Sure, there are other good rules – the ever popular keep it in your pants springs to mind, as does that old chestnut, keep it in your pants. Here’s one not enough men follow: don’t name your penis. 4

Finally, there’s the ultimate Dick Rule: if you’re a Man of God, you’re probably already fucking over half the populace — and several underage children. Keep it on the down low, Rev.

No one wants to see that shit.

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Show 4 footnotes

  1. The ones that depict Mary Magdala in such stunning preternatural light that her areolas emit a fine rose glow and her faint mustache literally shimmers with sweat.
  2. This phrase has now been officially added to the pantheon of hallowed lies every American should be able to recognize before receiving a driver’s license: 1.) I’m from the Government; I’m here to help you; 2.) I  promise I won’t come in your mouth; and now 3.) I promise – these pictures/videos are just for my personal use.
  3. And here it may be necessary to point out that SNL’s Dick in a Box was actually a cutting satire of popular culture (a culture that has so debased romanticism — not to mention the English language — the audience doesn’t know to laugh until after the first employ of the McGuffin), not a Dating For Thugs instructional video.
  4. This probably ought to be Rule #1. On the other hand, it should also not be necessary; dozens of other synonyms already exist for your penis; do you really need to personalize one ? For…what? So you’ll know it’s yours?

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