Fan Mail From Some Flounder

National Security Agency
Attn: NIAP-CCEVS
9800 Savage Road, Suite 6757
Fort Meade, MD 20755-6757

2 July 2013

Dear Nick (or should we say…REDACTED),

Hey big guy! We wanted to take a moment to let you know we think you’re doing a hell of a job!

No, it’s true! ( We don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re not real big on irony: check that whole going after Snowden spying thing ’cause it’s illegal… Man, do we have big brass balls or what? ) We like what you’ve been doing. Though we have to admit that we weren’t spying reading you before your classic Words To Avoid Using Online post. But we’ve got you bookmarked now!

Sure, you get some stuff wrong now and again (check your PC’s Desktop – we left a short list, now corrected, of factual errors we spotted for you. No, don’t thank us.) But for the most part you’re doing swell work. We couldn’t be more proud of you.

Which is why we want to use you correct a misconception or two.

First off, PRISM? Yeah, it’s a pretty large project, and it was designed to listen in on everyone, just like you figured. But, c’mon – you work for REDACTED: you know how it is with COTS purchases, right? The shit software never freaking works as advertised. And then there’s the third party integrators, amiright? Whether it’s Booze or GT or SAIC or whothefuckever, they always oversell their capabilities, not to mention their familiarity with the product. Long story short? Right now PRISM is more like that crystal radio kit you put together as a kid.

And the data? Don’t get me started…

Metadata. Tons of it. Think ‘big’ data, okay? Sure, we got REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED sitting on the floor of the elephant room downstairs REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED. And we’re getting more, so processing power isn’t strictly an issue. But GIGO, right? You gotta know what to ask otherwise it’s all rainbow unicorn farts and tra la las.

If you’re lucky.

Anyhow, that’s our worry – we’ll eventually straighten it out. Just this instant we have another concern.

A surprisingly large number of Americans worry we aren’t reading their emails, monitoring their cell phones or tapping their land lines. Believe it or not thousands of people (all women; there’s probably a university grant-funded study in there somewhere) have contacted us upset NSA might not find their personal correspondence and phone chats interesting enough to illegally tap.

They don’t feel validated.

Well, the NSA would like you to know, and to pass on to any other concerned Americans, what can be done to make sure all your data gets to us. We are, after all, a (mostly) tax-funded organization dedicate (somewhat) to looking after America’s interests abroad (and REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED, but don’t tell Ron Paul that! Ha ha ha.) and, as such, our focus is on customer service.

We want to make it easy for you to help us.

To that end below is a list of email adds; please use at least one of these as a CC for each email you send. If you want to get that spy vs spy feeling, feel free to use the BC field -we do!

nsapao@nsa.gov

NIASC@nsa.gov

cmc@radium.ncsc.mil

ist@nsa.gov

scheme-comments@niap-ccevs.org

Or just give us a call. We’d love to hear from you! (301) 688-6524

We’ll be in touch – trust us.

Warm Regards,
Herbert Osborn

Dear Herb,

Listen, you guys can go…ah, shit. Never mind.

Thanks for reading,
Nick

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