No mind

But I NEED this gun!Amid the light New Year’s eve snow the Astas toasted up a few dozen s’mores over the outdoor fire pit. 1

A new moon phase nearly occurred before Asta had toasted her marshmallow a perfectly even brown, then positioned it just so atop a thin sliver of chocolate, nestled softly between two exactly matched Graham crackers.

Asta Jr. did the flash-fry thing: she thrust her marshmallows into the heart of the fire and let ’em burn. After bringing the flaming sugar dangerously close to her face 2 she blew out the fire, squooshed the blackened slop between the graham crackers, then stuffed a slab of chocolate into the gooey mess. This took her, on average, about 15 seconds per s’more; she raced through 3 or 4 s’mores for every one of her bigger sister’s morceaux parfaits.

Nora’s father, who has achieved a level of wealth that brooks little patience for any impediment to his will, sat so intensely still beside me he vibrated; it was all he could do to resist commandeering Asta Jr’s crudely sharpened stick to demonstrate how one correctly toasted a marshmallow or, and this is fun!, could rush an armed maniac at her school with the weapon. You hold the stick like this, see? Point up, point UP, girl! And you run toward the man shooting your little friends as fast as you can. Aim the point for his throat, that would be good. And who’s your BFF at school? Charlotte? Great – make sure Charlie rushes the crazy man, too, both your little pointy sticks aimed for his throat. Then jab at him – like this! Yes, hard. Good, very good. That will work a treat! Yes, you should definitely practise this at recess.

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School children? 3

Well…maybe. The idea has some merit.

To begin with it’s harder than you might suppose to hit a moving target, especially one as small and erratic as a toddler unsure of his balance. Make that 15 to 20 madly weaving 6 year olds and it’s a nightmare for any shooter. Moreover, as any marksman will attest, aiming down is the hardest shot to take. A six foot assailant rushed by a mob of careening children intent on performing the crudest of tracheotomies with their dangerously pointed sticks (whoa: you could put an eye out with those things!) would present the lunatic with rapidly changing, nearly unsolvable target choices.

Oh, sure – he’d undoubtedly splatter some of the kids’ brains on the walls; that’s the whole point of extended banana clips, right? But if the childrens’ nerve held, if they didn’t stop and cry like babies, if they didn’t piss and shit themselves out of sheer terror, a handful of the rug-rats could make it through the initial fusillade and just poke the living hell out of the assailant.

That might, just might, so annoy the shooter it could possibly take him up to a whole minute to exchange magazines and blow their little bodies apart. A minute is a long time, folks. A lot can happen in a minute.

A lot.

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Just a few minutes a day...January 19th will be the first annual Rush A Madman Day.

Modeled after the John F. Kennedy’s national physical fitness program (as structured and administered by Bud Wilkinson) 4, all current and future elementary school aged children will be required to spend 15 minutes of their recess practising the following – the Circle the Tire Drill, the Gauntlet Drill, the Lateral Run High Knees Hit and Spin Drill, and finished off with any one of the special tactics drills that comprise Ranger Assessment Selection Program 2. 5

Junior High and High Schoolers are expected to PAY ATTENTION: if you see someone slaughtering your classmates, IMMEDIATELY stop texting, sexting and macking on one another in the hallways and find a teacher (who’s not dead) to report the situation. Should all responsible adults already be inanimate and shredded, perforated and otherwise profusely bleeding lumps of meat, break out that cell, yo!, and shout out to the 911.

Together, America, if we’re willing to sacrifice a few hundred children a year for the Good of The Nation, we can tackle this mass-murder problem head-on. On January 19th, remember to sign-up your school-aged children for Rush A Madman Day.

As the Dude might say…touch the moment as it exists, not as you might wish it to exist.

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Show 5 footnotes

  1. The west lobby bar actually sells s’more “kits”. Seriously, the Broadmoor is a treasure.
  2. So close Nora’s sharp inhalation of air sounded like a semi’s air brakes in distress.
  3. The notion is an improvement on the LaPierre Rule: “The Only Thing That Stops a Bad Guy with a Gun Is a Few Kindergartners With Some Pointy Sticks.
  4. Whom, had he been, you know, not dead, the Chiefs would have been better served hiring than Andy Reid.
  5. Should any child complete ALL RASP2 special tactics drills they would qualify to ‘tab out’. Further, any child -who earned the Ranger tab- who dies while Rushing The Madman will be accorded a plot in Arlington National Cemetary. Parents of children who were a NOGO at the RASP2 drills will have to make other arrangements for their child’s corpse and/or identifiable body parts.

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