As Nora’s parents are treating us to an extended New Year’s weekend at the Broadmoor we’re posting this a bit early; nothing as plebeian as updating one’s site is allowed en suite. 1 In fact we nearly let this slide – the few putative non-bots who happen across the site would presumably survive the New Year sans our
However, it was briefly noted in passing…okay, a handful of times…this past year that we hold enormous potential for self improvement. 2 It occurred to us that should one hear something two or three times…oh all right, on at least thirteen different occasions…it might behoove one to do an honest assessment of said behavior.
Having recently accomplished the requisite reflection, here follow (not in any particular order) our self improvement resolutions for 2013:
- Be meaner to ‘tards. What? No no no, not actual ‘tards: those evangelical GOP lunatics. You don’t call them ‘tards? Sorry, our bad.
- Ease up on our local Catholic friends. It’s going to be a tough year for them; après l’affaire Ratigan Bishop Finn was advised by Rome to i.) not attend the US Bishops Conference, and ii.) accept an assignment elsewhere (after the Christmas holidays). Showing true humility ol’ Finny-boy told the Pope to fuck off and went to Baltimore anyway. He now appears poised to give Rome the bird again, cocksure in his smug Opus Dei fashion that the 85 year old Representative of God on Earth isn’t going to pull the trigger on him. Which means KC Catholics will have to continue to defend the indefensible.
- Before we speak, consider… is what we’re about to say true? Is it necessary? Does it improve the silence? 3
- Make good use of our new water pipe. Our younger brother sent it for Christmas, along with some good smoke. Yes, he does live in Colorado; why do you ask?
- Continue to kill every cat we run across
- Install a double-wide trailer on the front lawn. Seriously. We’ve been annoyed with our Brookside neighbors for a while and this seems the perfect response. Plus – tornados!
- Stop gnashing our teeth whenever someone mentions Honey Boo Boo or one of the several hundred Kardashians. Instead we’ll simply walk away. Yes, that means even if, especially if, they’re still talking.
- Laugh more at the KC Star becoming USA Today-lite.
- Pay less attention to KC politics. The phrase KC politics is oxymoronic. Okay, it’s just moronic. We titter every time we hear the term.
- Buy another weapon. Really, you just can’t have too many guns.
That’s it. Have a wonderful New Year’s. 4
- In fact, being discovered blogging or (Heaven forfend!) Tweeting, is enough to not only cause d’hôte to shorten your stay, but refuse future custom. Now, if one of your
slavesservants posts or Tweets for you, that’s another matter… ↩
- Have you noticed how the back-handed compliment has come into its own recently? ↩
- This obviously doesn’t hold true for this site itself. ↩
- For the morbidly curious, FluffyRainbowSparkleHoney’s New Year’s resolution (as reported by Nora in that voice) is: “I won’t chase the stick until I actually see it leave his hand. I won’t I won’t I won’t! ↩