- Finally out of excuses for their teams’ play
suckinggoing south the last couple of decades, both Hunt and Glass actually sell their respective franchises to the South: the Chiefs end up in Oklahoma City, OK, and the Royals end up…well, really, who cares? County AssholeExecutive Mike Sanders still insists on receiving $1 million per year from KC for the upkeep of the stadiums (now home to America’s largest flea markets and the odd monster truck rally); Mayor James kicks across the cash with alacrity.
- WNBTv inks international sponsorship contract with the Weekly World News in mid-2013, receives handsome five figure payout for promise to not publish the “truth” about the recent UFO sighting in Kansas City.
- Google completes its
borgingnetwork connectivity of greater Kansas City and announces a coup d’etatmerger with both city governments, then claims status as the 51st state. County AssholeExecutive Mike Sanders demands $1 million per year from Googlopia “just because.” Google delists Sanders and he is never heard from again.
- The Kansas City city council, in their last act before
being borg’dthe advent of Googlopia, enacts the Law of Unintended Consequences as a city statute.
- An erstwhile American President dies.
- Hillary Clinton dies but, much to Bill Clinton’s annoyance, is revived and brought back (literally) from the dead. She immediately sets out upon a world-wide speaking engagement (literally) singing the praises of Kauket, the abstract snake-headed Egyptian goddess who ruled over the darkness. This has the unintended consequence of garnering Bill even more unearned sympathy and (literally) sex.
- Psy does Beyonce Gangnan Style during the Superbowl halftime show. America yawns.
- The first wave of babies conceived from newly debauched Fifty Shades of Grey wives start popping that whip hand in early February.
- Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Rush Limbaugh -against all odds- make it a whole week into the new year before uttering something profoundly stupid: Vegas makes millions.
- Someone in the Middle East does something outrageous and the world world is “brought to the brink” again.
- Jessica Alba signs to star in Fifty Shades of Grey; husbands across America pre-order tickets for a movie that’s still a year away from completion.
- U.S. unemployment will drop to under 7% in 2013, but there still won’t be any well paying jobs.
- The Innernetz suffers its first system-wide, prolonged outage.
- More UFOs are spotted in the spring skies above Kansas City.
- A medical condition forces Rush Limbaugh to quit broadcasting crap over the radio.
- 2012’s record as The Hottest Year on Record is melted by the broiling weather of 2013.
- The Illuminati reveal themselves and their nefarious and e-vil plans for humanity. Mankind yawns.
- Food riots will again occur throughout the world; in 2013 though no one will label them part of ‘The Arab Spring.’
- Something something the Queen something something Duchess Kate something something something a horse, and not a thoroughbred at that.
- The cycle of earthquakes and volcanic eruptions from 2 years ago returns to Indonesia, the South Pacific and North America. Americans yawn.
- Another child sex abuse scandal will be revealed within the American Catholic Church; Catholics will tithe just a bit less, but grit their teeth and defend their church.
- The North American east coast power grid goes down, the outage lasts a month. Even the national Guard can not restore order. Finally Snooki makes a public plea for love, peace and understanding. America yawns.
- Assad buys the farm.
- One of North Korea’s fatally flawed missiles accidentally lands in Seoul, South Korea, starting a war that decimates both countries; stocks on Wall Street soar.
- The Arkansas Royals inadvertently discover a top-secret U.S. Government excavation project, the preparation of a massive underground facility in the Ozarks. Quickly labeled “Raccoon City”, speculation over possible uses includes a government “retreat”, a refuge from an unannounced solar event, or THIS PORTION REDACTED.
- CERN announces time travel is not only possible but they’ve been doing it up there in the Alps for a couple of years now and all should be right with the world by late October!
- The Chicago Cubs make it to the World Series where they lose a seven game series to the Arkansas Royals.