Fan Mail From Some Flounder

12 November 2012
Dear Nick,

No offense, but you’re an old fart, right? So what the hell is up with you guys? I mean what was General Petraeus thinking? Do ALL you guys ever think about is sex? Why don’t you old farts act your age? Half the time I’m in Price Chopper one of you wrinkle baskets wants me to comment on their cucumber or asks me stupid shit like “If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?” Holy crap, can’t these guys see my wedding ring! Shouldn’t they be more worried about qualifying for Medicare or something. Give it a rest already!

Kris Chase
Prairie Village, KS


Thank you for the reminder of my ever encroaching dotage (as though the pop, snap and crackling of my spine, much like a bowl full of Rice Krispies, does not suffice.)

As for General Petraeus 1,  for the sake of his career (and probably his marriage) he should have kept The Little General in his cammos. But he probably figured it was with a fellow service(wo)man who knew the score, who’d ever know? I mean, besides the FBI…

As for desire…well, ol’ Bill said it best.

“This is the monstrosity in love, lady,
that the will is infinite and the execution confined,
that the desire is boundless and the act a slave to limit.”

Which is to say that for humans desire is an infinite Möbius action: we are perpetually unsatisfied (even when we achieve our desires) combined with our insatiable desire for…anything/everything. It’s certainly a quandary.

However, if we take Bill at his word, that should consume itself, as desire is…

“…an universal wolf,
so doubly seconded with will and power,
(it) must make perforce an universal prey,
and last eat up himself.”

Which is the universally accepted notion of things; men age, grey out and dodder around making terribly unsuitable remarks to women half their age; they become tame and anile.

While that once might have been true, now it’s simply known as Low T and there are a choice of creams, gels, shots or Sotto Pelle injections for the malaise. So you have 60 year-olds as buff as your average hipster 2, though with road map faces. That can be disconcerting, I’m sure.

But the long and short of it is, biologically speaking? Men and women are built to breed. It’s that simple. Societies may have attempted to dampen that urge over the centuries, but you notice there’s 6 billion of us on the planet, right? Right?

As for men approaching you with their cucumbers, congratulations! You obviously rate fairly high on the evolutionary ladder otherwise we wouldn’t bother. You know, like that ugly chick over there in the natural foods section? Yeah, her – let her keep her high moral standards; no way she passes her genes on to anyone. Ever.

You, on the other hand – you’re a winner!

My advice? If you don’t want men sniffing around, get that lame-o husband of yours to cough up for a bigger diamond, preferably something large and sparkly bright enough to warn sailors from your obviously fertile shores. 3

Or shop at HyVee. 4

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Show 4 footnotes

  1. He retains the courtesy rank for perpetuity. Though, if he wishes people to actually refer to him as General he might be best severed by relocating to The South, where such anachronisms are not only deemed relevant, but revered.
  2. Oops…wrong comparison; don’t think I’ve ever seen a ‘hipster’ anything but barely fed, much less with Popeye arms…
  3. Though, to be frank? That will just attract a certain kind of man. No, you’re right…you can’t win.
  4. P.S. – you didn’t include your cell number; why don’t you just email that so we can talk about this some more; it’s hard to go into further detail with all these people listening…

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