Tractor Beams!

We were relaxing around a warm TV last night, watching a little Halloween-themed horror porn, when FluffyRainbowSparkleHoney 1 began to hump Asta Jr’s head. 2

No aural penetration was possible as FluffyRainbowSparkleHoney is female. Still, Jr’s unusually shrill screams pointed to a demeanor rather more nonplussed than usual: perhaps, I idly wondered,  I should rouse myself and intervene?

But wouldn’t it be neat-o, I mused 3, to weild a hand-held device that would, I dunno, attach itself to FluffyRainbowSparkleHoney like that Star Trek beam thingie that advanced civilizations would always shoot at The Enterprise, drawing the ship inexorably to certain doom? That thing. Wouldn’t that just be keen?

A tractor beam! That’s what it was; I needed a tractor beam. How come I didn’t have a tractor beam yet?

Well, I do. Or I will.

A couple of New York University physicists, David Ruffner and David Grier, apparently bored 4 and misusing university property, waited until the real, old scientists went home, then combined a couple of Bessel beam lasers.

And created the world’s first actual tractor beam.

True, though right now it only works on microscopic particles and silica spheres suspended in water, they have high hopes of perfecting beams perfect for the ultimate cow-tipping pranks. It’s just a matter of time.

Synopisis here. 5

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Show 5 footnotes

  1. The name apparently stuck.
  2. Which seems young to us; at just over six months (and following the old wives’ tale of 1 human year = 7 dog years) shouldn’t a sexual inclination in a 3 1/2 year old be something we have a talk with our vet about?
  3. Still procrastinating… I was all cozy and sleepy in my chair. And better Jr learn, I reasoned, the insistent facts of life at home via the paws of her beloved pet than the clumsily privileged hands of her first junior high school boyfriend in the backseat of his overpriced import.
  4. Another version going ’round is that they were each, individually and unknown to each other, trying to impress the same woman. Scientists: geniuses without a lick of common sense. Thank Thor.
  5. Yes, Asta Jr is just fine. Sheesh…what a worrywart.

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