there IS a kind and loving cosmic jester!

Nearly half of all robberies in San Francisco this year are cell phone-related, police say, and most occur on bustling transit lines.

One thief recently snatched a smartphone while sitting right behind his unsuspecting victim and darted out the rear of a bus in mere seconds.

Another robber grabbed an iPhone from an oblivious bus rider – while she was still talking.

And, in nearby Oakland, City Council candidate Dan Kalb was robbed at gunpoint of his iPhone Wednesday after he attended a neighborhood anti-crime meeting.

“I thought he was going to shoot me,” recalled Kalb, who had dropped his phone during the stickup. “He kept saying, `Find the phone! Find the phone!'”

In St. Louis, city leaders proposed an ambitious ordinance requiring anyone who resells cell phones to obtain a secondhand dealers license. Resellers also would need to record the phone’s identity number and collect detailed information including the seller’s names, addresses, a copy of their driver’s licenses – even their thumbprints.

It will take a national solution to make this problem go away,” St. Louis Mayor Francis Slay said of the phone thefts.”


Or…you know, not. It would be far simpler for your average hipster to store their latest poseur “communication” device of choice in their freaking skinny jeans, n’est-ce pas?

Then if they’re mugged, they could never retrieve the device in a timely manner. And if the thief demanded their skinny jeans, how the fuck would they get those off over those ridiculous ’50s tennis shoe knockoffs? 1

And if they did manage to disrobe, ceding both pants and smartphone to their assailant, just the notion of your average hipster bestride the dirty streets sans both skinny jeans and annoying smartphone (though retaining their tennies,  jauntily canted fedora and ironic attitude) is enough to make the most cold hearted individual cackle with glee.

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  1. No, I don’t expect the hipsters to have enough common sense to take their kicks off first.

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