Yoder\’s Penis Unplugged

A few Congressmen and Staff Peeing in the Sea of Galilee

It’s 11:23 p.m. on a Thursday night. I’m sitting next to Yoder’s Penis at the Hooter’s on Metcalf, just a few miles from Kevin and Brooke’s Overland Park, KS, home. Yoder’s Penis’ order – the 20 piece boneless hot-wing special for just $9.99 – has just arrived and he’s obviously famished; he’ s already smeared hot sauce around his head. What follows is the transcript of our conversation.

WNBTv: Hey…aren’t you Yoder’s Penis?

Yoder’s Penis: Shhhh…not so loud. I’m trying to keep a low profile…

WNBTv: Sorry. Listen, could I ask you a few questions?

YP: You a reporter?

WNBTv: Blogger.

YP: Sure, no one reads those things. What do you want to know?

WNBTv: So…seriously, what’s up with Kevin?

YP: Yeah, it was sort of a dick move.

WNBTv: Heh heh. You said…

YP: Yeah yeah yeah. Look: don’t start. I’m up to HERE with the dick jokes.

WNBTv: Sorry – reflex.

YP: Sure. Whoa…look at the tatas on that one! (YP nods his head at a stunning blond with a superstructure worthy of a black velvet painting.)

WNBTv: Anyhow, Kevin?

YP: Lil’ Kevie? What a tool. The guy ain’t got two brain cells to rub together.

WNBTv: Lil’ Kevie? You named him?

YP: Well…yeah. I know it’s a juvenile thing to do, but I couldn’t resist. And it fits – you talk about your all id all day programming…

WNBTv: So…about the skinny-dipping in the jesus pond…

YP: Yeah, lil’ Kevie sure can pick them, huh? Truth of the matter is he had to pee. I mean, it was a Congressional ‘fact finding’ trip. Where these guys hit the booze pretty hard. And the Jews paid for everything – hell the bar bill alone was ’bout $500. So you know Kevie likes his booze, right? Well, ol’ Kevie figures he’ll jump in and pee all over jesus and be done with it, but he doesn’t want to soil his trunks, right? So at the last second he pulls them off and hops in au naturel..

WNBTv: What was that like?

YP: A little chilly, to be honest. The twins didn’t quite pull up into their cave…

WNBTv: The “twins”?

YP: Kevie’s nuts. It wasn’t so cold they crawled back up into his body, but I definitely lost some size. And I obviously need every inch I can get! (YP starts laughing so hard his whole body shakes, his head flies back and forth, spraying little bits of hot wing sauce on a passing waitress. She pays it no mind: one suspects she’s had worse experiences here…)

WNBTv: Wow. That’s pretty big of you…

YP: What? You think I care I’m only 4 inches? Dude, get a life – I’m big enough, trust me. Lil’ Kevie now, he seems to worry about my size excessively. Fact is, right before we hit the water? Kevie’s thinking maybe the warm salt water will make him appear larger…

WNBTv: But…I mean, the lake is…

YP: …a fresh water lake, right. See? Dumb as a box of rocks. Anyhow, Kevie slides us into the jesus bath and everyone else is like, Whoa! Back up there Kansas cow poker! And they start moving away. Which is fine with Kevie ’cause all he wants right now is to pee. So he does and he starts thinking. Again. I swear, every time he does he gets in trouble; if he would just take my advice…

WNBTv: You know, there’s a saying about that – letting your small head to all your thinking…

YP: Really? Don’t think I ever heard it. Anyhow Kevie’s done peeing and finally notices that the group is shunning him. Hell, if stones had been available I believe they’d have gone all Old Testament on his ass. Brooke’s also not only not in the water, but she’s walking back up toward the vehicles, any thoughts Kevie had of putting all the booze they consumed to use later on is now right out. So lil’ Kevie comes to his sense, such as they are, and gets the hell out of the water.

WNBTv: Where’s the Secret Service during all this?

YP: With the cars; they weren’t going to touch this with a 10-foot pole…

WNBTv: I notice you were circumcised…

YP: …and?

WNBTv: Was that mentioned? Did anyone gasp, stare or point?

YP: Well, there was some finger pointing and laughing, but mostly, as I said, it was cold water and I had shrivelled up to about an inch. There was really no need for Kevie to ‘hide’ me with one hand, much less two. Ironically he rather looked like a small child who needed to pee. But, no, in answer to your question, my circumcision was never mentioned. Again, it may have been because it was dark and I’m rather small. But even had it been brought up, I wouldn’t have minded. It happened decades ago and was never something I had a say in, much less any control over.

WNBTv: And now? If it were possible and you had the choice, which way would you go: Hoodie or Mr. Clean?

YP: Mr. Clean.

WNBTv: Really. Why?

YP: I suppose it has to do with size; with a hoodie the gal…or guy: despite was Kevie says, I don’t really care. Hell, if you’d hold down a Democrat, I’d snake him/her. Wait, let me re-phrase that, I want to be clear that I wasn’t talking about rape. Nothing about rape, or any violence against women, to include strapping their wrists to their ankles, stuffing a large ball gag in their mouths and turning them upside down, is fun or funny. All I’m saying is that, as far as I’m concerned, a hole is a hole. Lil’ Kevie likes to differentiate, and certainly in public, but late at night, when he’s been “asleep”, Brooke might say otherwise…

WNBTv:  …back to the “Hoodie”?

YP: From the pictures I’ve seen on the Internet, the “Hoodie” can be quite long. In my case, perhaps so long the person gives up trying to peel it away. I wouldn’t want to risk it. How ’bout yourself.

WNBTv: Mr. Clean. I was born this way…

YP: I LOVE her videos! Lil’ Kevie will sometimes YouTube it, find that one where’s she’s in jail? With, oh hell, who is that?

WNBTv:  Beyoncé?

YP: Fuck yeah! That’s her! Man, when she starts humpin’ air or jigglin that ass! Holy shit. But no sooner do I start to get a head start, Kevie shuts the whole thing down…

WNBTv: You want to talk about that?

YP: Can’t. Had to squirt out an NDA to that effect.

WNBTv: Totally bogus…

YP: Agreed. But I don’t want to end up in GTMO, not getting any while Mr. Tight Ass back there has his horizons enlarged.

WNBTv: Yeah, I see what you mean…

YP: Listen, this was fun, but I gotta dash. You want to shake?

WNBTv: …uh, I don’t think…

YP: LOL! Just kiddin’ you!. Seriously though, I think I got some sauce under my crown, would you mind…?

WNBTv:…dude!

YP: Got you again! No worries, I’ll get one of these Hooter gals to help me wipe up.  Nice talkin’ to you..oh, and hey!

WNBTv: Yes?

YP: Don’t forget to vote in November!

WNBTv - Good TV!

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