KANSAS CITY (WNBTv) – Dissatisfied with their perpetual ‘also-ran’ status to neighboring Kansas in the Stupid Laws Sweepstakes, 13% of Missouri’s elgible voters Tuesday approved a state constitutional amendment to protect their already protected religious freedom. 1

The measure, Amendment 2, states that a Missourian’s right to express religious beliefs can’t be made fun of; protects voluntary superstition in schools; requires public schools to display a copy of the Bill of Rights 2, and protects a student’s right to refuse to learn any fuckin’ shit that ‘violate’ their religious beliefs. 3

“Missouri voters are stupid and don’t understand the Bill of Rights,”  said Chikako Kwaii, 10th grader at Nishiko High, Saitama City, Japan. “The Bill of Rights intent was to forstall idiocy of this nature.”

Prior to Tuesday’s vote the stupidest law in Missouri was the Kansas City oridnace prohibiting installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws.

Which of course is not nearly as stupid as the Kansas law stating that if two trains meet on the same track, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.

However passage of Amendment 2 guarantees a long and expensive court battle that the state of Missouri can ill afford, particularly as certain portions of the law are sure to be deemed unconstitutional by the Supreme Court of the United States. For the state legislature to foolishly spend money on a losing proposition to make a ‘point’ when it is cutting education dollars seems to be the height of stupidity.

“Certainly this amendment is more stupid than anything Kansas has done lately,” Kwaii went on to say. “I suppose Missourians should feel…well, not proud…but whatever it is morons feel when they believe themselves validated. Smug? Is that it? I’m sorry, my English is no so good.”

Smug it is. Let us pray…

(That didin’ take long; the ACLU files the first of many lawsuits…)

O Thou, who in the heavens does dwell,
Who, as it pleases best Thysel’,
Sends ane to heaven an’ ten to hell,
A’ for Thy glory,
And no for ony gude or ill
They’ve done afore Thee!

I bless and praise Thy matchless might,
When thousands Thou hast left in night,
That I am here afore Thy sight,
For gifts an’ grace
A burning and a shining light
To a’ this place.

What was I, or my generation,
That I should get sic exaltation,
I wha deserve most just damnation
For broken laws,
Five thousand years ere my creation,
Thro’ Adam’s cause?

When frae my mither’s womb I fell,
Thou might hae plunged me in hell,
To gnash my gums, to weep and wail,
In burnin lakes,
Where damned devils roar and yell,
Chain’d to their stakes.

Yet I am here a chosen sample,
To show thy grace is great and ample;
I’m here a pillar o’ Thy temple,
Strong as a rock,
A guide, a buckler, and example,
To a’ Thy flock.

O Lord, Thou kens what zeal I bear,
When drinkers drink, an’ swearers swear,
An’ singin there, an’ dancin here,
Wi’ great and sma’;
For I am keepit by Thy fear
Free frae them a’.

But yet, O Lord! confess I must,
At times I’m fash’d wi’ fleshly lust:
An’ sometimes, too, in wardly trust,
Vile self gets in:
But Thou remembers we are dust,
Defil’d wi’ sin.

O Lord! yestreen, Thou kens, wi’ Meg –
Thy pardon I sincerely beg,
O! may’t ne’er be a livin plague
To my dishonour,
An’ I’ll ne’er lift a lawless leg
Again upon her.

Besides, I farther maun avow,
Wi’ Leezie’s lass, three times I trow –
But Lord, that Friday I was fou,
When I cam near her;
Or else, Thou kens, Thy servant true
Wad never steer her.

Maybe Thou lets this fleshly thorn
Buffet Thy servant e’en and morn,
Lest he owre proud and high shou’d turn,
That he’s sae gifted:
If sae, Thy han’ maun e’en be borne,
Until Thou lift it.

Lord, bless Thy chosen in this place,
For here Thou hast a chosen race:
But God confound their stubborn face,
An’ blast their name,
Wha bring Thy elders to disgrace
An’ public shame.

Lord, mind Gaw’n Hamilton’s deserts;
He drinks, an’ swears, an’ plays at cartes,
Yet has sae mony takin arts,
Wi’ great and sma’,
Frae God’s ain priest the people’s hearts
He steals awa.

An’ when we chasten’d him therefor,
Thou kens how he bred sic a splore,
An’ set the warld in a roar
O’ laughing at us; –
Curse Thou his basket and his store,
Kail an’ potatoes.

Lord, hear my earnest cry and pray’r,
Against that Presbyt’ry o’ Ayr;
Thy strong right hand, Lord, make it bare
Upo’ their heads;
Lord visit them, an’ dinna spare,
For their misdeeds.

O Lord, my God! that glib-tongu’d Aiken,
My vera heart and flesh are quakin,
To think how we stood sweatin’, shakin,
An’ piss’d wi’ dread,
While he, wi’ hingin lip an’ snakin,
Held up his head.

Lord, in Thy day o’ vengeance try him,
Lord, visit them wha did employ him,
And pass not in Thy mercy by ’em,
Nor hear their pray’r,
But for Thy people’s sake, destroy ’em,
An’ dinna spare.

But, Lord, remember me an’ mine
Wi’ mercies temp’ral an’ divine,
That I for grace an’ gear may shine,
Excell’d by nane,
And a’ the glory shall be thine,
Amen, Amen!

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Show 3 footnotes

  1. In related news Missouri voters also mandated their state government SSL traffic be protected by IPsec, with the entirety of the state’s network stack enclosed by TLS network devices.
  2. That is one incredibly subtle joke right there; who would have thought these morons capable of it?
  3. Dude! This Darwin cat is totally harshing on ability to attain MOKSHA. I ain’t listenin’ to this no more. No offense, dude.

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