Our Precious Bodily Fluids

Mosquito Drone
Bzzzzt! It appears you've been abusing your meds again, Mr. Smith

A recent study conducted by the CDC ( Centers for Disease Control ) and the Florida Department of Health has determined that dengue is alive and well in the Florida Keys.

In 2012 twelve cases of dengue have so far been reported in Key West alone.

None of the infected individuals have travelled outside of Florida.

Found in tropical/sub-tropical regions, dengue infects millions and kills an average of 25,000 people every year.

Both Oprah and Jenny McCarthy immediately denounced the CDC report as “propaganda” and warned that any attempt to create a vaccine to eliminate the disease would “face God’s wrath.”

Jenny McCarthy is a one-time Playmate model famous for her breasts and room-temperature IQ. Oprah was best known for her long running daytime show honoring herself. She retired last year to sit at the right hand of God.

In related and possibly (or not) cheerier news, British bio-tech firm Oxitec has engineered a genetically modified (GM) dengue mosquito strain that, once released into the wild, mates with “wild” females: the resultant larvae perish before maturing sufficiently to apply for a drivers license, much less flying around, biting people and spreading the disease.

The Oxitec mosquitoes have already been field tested in the Cayman Islands, Malaysia and in an undisclosed location of Brazil. The Brazil Experiment was so successful that the country is in talks with Oxitec to release millions of the Oxitec GM mosquito throughout the rest of the country.

Oprah, speaking for God, said “We’re down with that.” Jenny McCarthy expressed concern that the synthetic protein (based on E. coli and the Herpes simplex virus) sequences the Oxitec GM mosquitoes express could be transmitted to humans during a bite, or affect animals ingesting them, or both. She then added it was well known that was how AIDS, cancer and dwarfism was spread.

The scientific community, initially surprised that McCarthy could string so many complex words and concepts together without substantial assistance, were reassured by her follow-up lunacy. Nonetheless they immediately began an intensive search to see which noted researcher McCarthy might have been screwing.

Fearful that the Oxitec GM mosquito would be released in the Key West environs,  Mila de Mier immediately started a petition to thwart that possibility. She states:

Nearly all experiments with genetically-modified crops have eventually resulted in unintended consequences: super weeds more resistant to herbicides, mutated and resistant insects and collateral damage to ecosystems. A recent news story reported that the monarch butterfly population is down by half in areas where Roundup Ready GM crops are doused with ultra-high levels of herbicides that wipe out the monarch’s favorite milkweed plant.

Why would we not expect GM insects, especially those that bite humans, to have similar unintended negative consequences? Will the more virulent Asian tiger mosquito that also carries dengue fill the void left by reductions in A. aegypti? Will the dengue virus mutate (think antibiotic resistant MRSA) and become even more dangerous?

American bio-tech firm Mosanto responded immediately, noting the ear of butter-drenched corn on de Mier’s plate was a GM product and none of her organs were failing, right? So why worry about an insect?

Finally, in related and even more depressing news, the CIA’s long-term micro UAVs program, begun in the early ’70s, is starting to hatch results. According to former software engineer Alan Lovejoy, this should cause us no little disquiet:

Such a device could be controlled from a great distance and is equipped with a camera, microphone. It could land on you and then use its needle to take a DNA sample with the pain of a mosquito bite. Or it could inject a micro RFID tracking device under your skin. 1

It could land on you and stay, so that you take it with you into your home. Or it could fly into a building through a window. There are well-funded research projects working on such devices with such capabilities.

Again speaking for Our Lord, Oprah declaimed, “Free will, that’s what it’s about, right?”

McCarthy was busy admiring herself in the latest issue of Playboy and could not be bothered to comment.

(Elements within NSA and DISA contributed to this report.)

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Show 1 footnote

  1. Or dengue, for that matter. ..hey!!!

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