If you type “Abraham Lincoln” into The Google, one of the top auto-completions is: “did abraham lincoln hunting vampires in real life?” 1
Which is obvious tripe.
The fact of the matter is that Lincoln had no time to hunt vampires, involved as he was in a long-standing ménage à trois with Mary and her sister Elizabeth. This arrangement was fairly stable until Elizabeth “upped her game”, as it were, by offering Abe her back passage. Abe became so enamored of sex in this fashion that he began to pester Mary to ‘lube it up’. This caused Mary no end of humiliation; her French mistress at school had impressed on the young lass that certain activities were best left to slaves and the Greeks, though not necessarily in that order.
Abe’s demands upon Mary eventually led her to confront Elizabeth. After a tense conversation the truth tumbled out: the foul Greeks aside, Mary found it nearly impossible to relax properly, which of course caused her some pain. Whereupon Elizabeth suggested that if Mary would bare her backside, Elizabeth might put a finger to the problem…
What? You don’t know all this already? Ah, then you haven’t read any of Total e-Bound’s Clandestine Classics.
The company says it is “100% convinced” that there was a market for the racy versions of the 19th century novels by authors Charlotte Brontë and Jane Austen and that the spicing up of the much-loved books will introduce the classics to a new generation of readers.
It being obvious that Grahame-Smith treatise on Lincoln is an instant classic, we expect an unexpurgated version of his life to be released soon. The same with such modern tales like “Snakes on a Plane“, wherein Samuel Jackson holds one down and snakes it good…
Can’t wait to see what they do with “Old Yeller.” 2