They say it’s not what you know, but who you know. 1
Who knows? Maybe a steady gig, maybe fame and fortune await our boy.
I mean, in addition to the super-secret-can’t-say-a-word-about-it project Chris is working on, this whole makin-enough-money-to-pay-rent-and-buy-furniture side of things is going well. So well, in fact, I decided Chris needed an agent. And who better to look after his interests than an old KC homey, amiright?
So after a brief – I mean, brief discussion; Chris was totally on board with this – I fax’d him my standard contract, he signed it and faxed it back.
So we got that going for us. 4
- But then…they are always saying stuff: they say time changes things; you know what they say about the weather; they say you only hurt the ones you love; they say you know what happens when you lie down with high school cheerleaders; they say you get what you pay for; they say everyone comes in threes…WTF? It’s hard enough to get two people to sync up, but a threesome? No way, Jose! You get what you pay for? Hardly – half the time you have to go back to the freaking Burger King window exactly because you didn’t get what you paid for, which means you end up pulling into the special ‘wait here, idiot’ car lane for freaking ever, half out of the other drivers’ way, but half blocking (another) stoner driver fumbling under his seat for enough change to get that extra order of rings, man, and consequently is no more paying attention to the fact that his foot has lessened the pressure it was applying to the brake pedal just seconds ago, thereby resulting in his certainly uninsured Dodge Dart inching forward on a direct path to crush your right rear turn signal cover, and probably the light itself, not an earth shattering event, no, but even if Joe Baked DID have insurance, and said insurance was State “You’re in Good Hands…not the perv way, though” Farm, even then after stoner boy realizes that the slight bump, followed by a crunch and a faint tinkling as though a fairy’s heart had irreparably shattered, even if stoner dude reels out of his car, red-rimmed eyes first mistaking you for a cop and thereby causing in him a temporary state of paralysis -“Run? not run? too stoned to run? what? what? what!!!????”, even if he overcomes his paranoia and suddenly uses his scary meth mouth to start channeling the comforting voice of Dennis Haysbert, to include handing you a clean plastic insurance card with all relevant and correct information, even then it will take weeks of scheduling and rescheduling with the auto shop and you’ll STILL have to miss some work and your boss will be pissed and is that what they meant when they said you get what you pay for? ’cause what you paid for was the Memphis BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwich, extra onions, large sweet potato fries and a cherry Dr. Pepper, THAT’S what you paid for, which you did NOT get I might add, not this other shit, right?…Shit, they should JUST FUCKIN SHUT UP ALREADY! ↩
- Yes, it happens outside of the movies, Virginia. ↩
- SPOILER ALERT: Chris only gently bitch-slaps Woody. ↩
- I’m not saying Chris isn’t, you know, smart, but jebus, boyhowdy did we make out! A small portion of our contract follows: …this Agent agreement (Agreement) is entered into by and between WNBTv, LLC (Agent) and Chris Packham (Author) with regard to the following Work(s): Scope of Representation: Author hereby appoints Agent as his exclusive literary agent in representing and negotiating the sale, lease, license or other disposition of the rights to Author’s Work or Works. As used here, Author’s Works shall refer to all works of authorship which Author has created or creates during the term of this Agreement, or in which Author has any title or interest, including but not limited to books, articles, playscripts, screenplays, teleplays, treatments and outlines, wet dreams, daydreams and any or all interesting reveries wherein any of the following actresses could appear naked: Isla Fisher, Sofia Vergera and –naturellement -Scarlett Johannson. All offers for such sale, lease, licensing or other disposition of Author’s rights shall be subject to Author’s prior, written approval. Author warrants that, during the term of this Agreement, the Author will employ no other Literary Agent to represent the Author for the Works, unless he does but does not tell the Agent. Term: Subject to the provisions for termination as hereinafter provided herein in section whatevah hereof, the term of this Agreement shall be for eternity, unless either party decide to take a year off to visit the back alleys of Krung Thep Maha Nakhon, in which case the full term of the Agreement will resume upon the return and completion of rehabilitation/delousing of both Agent and Author. Commission: In consideration of Agent’s services hereunder, Author shall pay Agent, and authorizes Agent to deduct and retain as a commission for services rendered, the sum of 0.00001% of revenue Author reports as due, payable and received by Author in conjunction with any and all dispositions of rights in the Works (the Contract or Contracts) resulting from efforts of Agent signed during (or within the six months following) the term. If Agent should engage a co-agent or sub-agent to assist in the disposition of film, television, or performance rights, or for rights to be exercised outside of the United States (or its wholly owned subsidiaries, e.g. Canada), the commission shall be 0.000000005% of a figure Author shall make up, and Agent shall be responsible for paying such sub or co-agent from Agent’s commission. ↩