All Skate!

Fun Facts About Early Times:

  • It was my father and friends outdoor drink of choice;
  • They especially liked to drink Early Times when telling lies around the fire late at night.
  • If you’re an apt lad, discretely pouring yourself a cup over shaved ice after the adults pass out start snoring is a no-brainer;
  • It never was and never will be my favorite libation, but it certainly works.

Fun Facts About Outdoors:

  • Fuckin’ nobody ever wore that silly fuckin’ hat in the woods, at least not west of New Jersey they didn’t.
  • Actual glasses on a fishing/camping/hunting trip? Not in this fuckin’ lifetime.
  • Still…all things considered I’d still rather be outdoors –even in the wet — than say…roller skating; it is with great disdain one is greeted (and I say this with no little authority) upon requesting  Early Times at a roller rink. You certainly won’t find a crotchety old harridan sniffing about your single malt choices in the wild  1

Fun Facts About Roller Skating:

  • In “my day” all rinks were made of wood.
  • Today’s rinks are predominantly made of concrete.
  • To this day a young child’s birthday party is often held at roller rinks; adult participation is expected as part of the “fun.”
  • The crossover is a technique for increasing speed on roller skates wherein
    one picks up one foot and cross it over the other, then does the same with the opposite foot, and again with the first foot and so on; this assists in a quick inside cut around a corner that adds momentum.

Fun Facts About Colloquialisms:

  • Air – leaving the ground, either on skis or skates as in “Whoa…dude caught some air!”
  • Yard Sale – a fall resulting in gear (e.g. poles, skis, scarf, hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps filled Buddha bag, gloves, smart phone, glasses, ego) being spread across and down the slope, as in “Yard Sale!” breezily yelled from an overhead lift. Not usually associated with roller skating, though there have been some notably painful exceptions.
  • Holy Fuck!!!! – normally self explanatory, though apparently not in roller rinks.

Fun Facts About the Aging White Male Home on the Couch on a Rainy Monday Watching ’40s Film Noir While Imbibing Early Times (and the Occasional Vicodin):

  • Taken as read.

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Show 1 footnote

  1. Unless you were silly enough to bring the battle-axe long, in which case you’ve no one to blame but yourself.

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