The Oscars

As we promised, herewith follows the Asta’s verbatim reactions to yesterday’s big news:

Asta (8 going on 21): That sucks!

Asta Jr (6 going on Evel Knievel): Booooooooo! Boooooooo! Booooooooo!

Asta: Alan Rickman is clearly one of the best actors working today. Dada, he STOLE Die Hard, that was HIS movie; fuck Bruce Willis! And his ongoing depiction of Severus Snape is so good that when it turned out in The Deathly Hallows that he was actually good, that he was protecting Harry the whole time, I found it nearly impossible to readjust my expectations of his behavior. Don’t misunderstand me, I was relieved, but I was so used to thinking of him as a slitherin’ snake, well, that’s one fine piece of acting, that’s what I think. The Academy has their head up their ass.

Asta Jr: Steven Spielberg is a hack!

Asta: Jonah Hill? Jonah Hill!? C’mon!

Asta Jr: That’s just studio promotion, a bastard by-blow of their new social media campaign to legitimize Brad “I Pumped & Dumped America’s Sweetheart” Pitt. Pitt’s nuthin’ but a one-trick pony, the guy who for years got by on his patented mid-western (probably meth head) redneck shtick. Hell, if Cruise doesn’t get serious bromance wood for Pitt and further ruins an already execrable film by casting him as a vampire – a fucking vampire?! – then Freeman doesn’t green-light him as his partner in Se7en and he remains stuck in the Dallas-occasional-movie loop.

Asta: I didn’t know he was in Dallas?

Asta Jr: The reboot, not the original.

Asta: JR was a prick.

Nick: When did you see Dallas?

Asta Jr: Sometimes mom brings out these tapes, VHS?, and we all sit on the couch and eat popcorn and watch 2 or 3 stories in a row! It’s fun! Mom makes fun of all the poufy hair and the dresses with cardboard shoulders…

Asta: …lots of times we’d watch when you’re golfing.

Asta Jr: ….but the point, the point IS, Rickman is a classically trained actor who’s been nominated for more awards than Pitt’s got dimples. And he deserved every one. Yet the Oscars keep ignoring him!

Asta: Look, I understand the sentiment behind Plummer and von Syndow, I really do; they’ve both been nominated before, not won and Oscar would like to gift them. But the reality is only one of them can win, and if they give it to the gay guy…

Asta Jr: Wait. I think he only played a gay guy, not that he is gay…

Asta: Ryan at school says he’s gay.

Asta Jr: How does he know?

Asta: His dada tol’ him. Said everybody in Hollyweird is fuckin’ gay. Dada…where’s Hollyweird?

Asta Jr: Whatevah. Don’t worry about it; again, there’s only one winner, only one guy gets the trophy…

Asta: It’s not a trophy; it’s a statue…

Asta Jr: Whatevah. There’s still only one. Whichever guy doesn’t get it will die soon anyway; it’s a waste of a nomination. I’m surprised they didn’t just go ahead and nominate that stupid war horse.

Asta: Again…Jonah Hill? Really? Jonah Hill!? C’mon!!!

Asta Jr: They’re gonna give it to Nolte anyway…

Asta: Are not!

Asta Jr: Are too! Oscar feels bad about shorting the guy for Affliction. Besides, he nails the role -alcoholic.

Asta: Playing to type, if you ask me…

Asta Jr: And Branagh doing Olivier gets nominated? Maybe if the movie had Branagh doing Olivier doing Caligula, maybe then…

Nora: Wait! What do you girls know about Caligula?

Atsa Jr: Sometimes when you’re working Dada will talk on the phone and say stuff like “I’m gonna show her my Caligula side tonight, the hard core version…”

Nick: I think maybe she misheard…

Nora: Are there many words that sound like Caligula?

Asta: Whatevah, mom! Point is Rickman got screwed. That’s all there is to it.

Asta Jr: Is there any popcorn? I’m hungry for popcorn.

Nora: Ask your Da to pick some up; he’s headed out of the house anyway…

WNBTv - Good TV!

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