Go Away

Even when we played Red Rover there was always one kid who just didn’t get it.

That kid would half heartedly run at the line, then suddenly stop and sort of look at the sky for a bit while everyone yelled at them to RUN ALREADY! Eventually the kid would meander to an end of the line and link up without even trying to bust through.

Dodge Ball. Anyone could play Dodge Ball, even the tards. Don’t get hit, right? Except that one kid– he’d just stand around looking lost until someone nailed him. Usually a head shot.Then he’d cry.

As we grew up and the games became more complex and organized – backyard football on Thanksgiving, pick-up games after school on the local diamond, soccer for Pete’s sake – these were the kids that were always picked last, and then only with the firm and fast (though customarily unspoken) rule that whatever team took that kid could also have at least one more ‘good’ kid to make up for all the havoc nerdo was going to wreck.

By junior high these were the kids you’d ditch.

If you and the guys were going swimming ‘cause Kay (and her new ‘buds’) and her friends were going to be at the pool, you’d let these guys think you were gonna be pounding ground strokes on the Plaza courts. If the guys were gonna catch a Saturday matinee you’d tell these kids you had to do chores all day. Hell, sometimes, just hanging out? You’d look at your buddies and the group of you would just start running away as fast as you could. You’d flat out ditch those kids.

It was cruel but necessary. These kids weren’t just clueless, they weren’t just always gonna be clueless, they also insisted on ruining everyone else’s fun. They were the kids who’d threaten to tell on their older siblings unless they got their way, which would force everyone to include them or to play nice or to otherwise so water down the rules of a particular game it wasn’t even the same game anymore so what was the point? 1

It was these kids’ moms who were always calling your mom to let her know that you ditched her son and how she didn’t understand it because young spaz so looked up to and admired you and your friends, thereby earning you at least a severe talking to with a hard thump on the noggin from the ol’ man.

By high school you didn’t have to ditch them – not only were they aware they just didn’t fit, they had found others like themselves and hung out together. But that turned out to be for protection because suddenly some of the other guys were actively picking 2 on them. Which made them an even bigger pain in your ass because you couldn’t just let that happen, right? So you had to step in and protect these damn dweebs, which put you at loggerheads with some of the guys, not to mention a few of the girls. And the coaches.

It was a complete no-win situation.

It was like no matter what you did these kids were always gonna get you, ya know? In some damnable way you’d never be able to completely ditch them. Hell, you might have to move away!

In point of fact, that’s what happened. You moved away, joined the service, ran away and followed the circus 3, went to college or just up’d and  got on with your life and friends and didn’t think twice about those kids.

Until, out of the blue, with no warning much less ominous omens that would cause you to move out of the area like the neighbor’s wife giving birth to a double headed lamb, they showed up in your neighborhood, cruising down the street in the back seat of your realtor’s Lexus. Your realtor! Your neighborhood!!!

Sure, they’re adults now, but they’re also those kids: they still don’t have the moves, no chops at all; they don’t quite have the wetherall to be in the neighborhood but – and they’re very frank about this – they heard you lived here so they want to; they’re still clueless yet think they should immediately ascend to be the neighborhood association board president; they’re now arrogant and needy all at once and they drive you crazy.

The neighborhood will never be the same.

It is at that precise moment you truly understood the nature of the Universe: cold, indifferent and certainly not ‘fair’. The concept of a god is at last revealed as a cruel hoax, for surely no sane god would allow this to happen.

How, you ask yourself. How did this come about? And whom do I have to kill to rid myself of these leeches? You know what I’m talking about.

– – – – – >

So…you can imagine how Colorado and Nebraska must be feeling about now, right?  4  5


Show 5 footnotes

  1. I mean, no head shots in Dodge Ball? Really? We’d have rather skipped rope. Well, not really. But you know what I mean.
  2. And by “picking” I mean “beating the absolute snot out of them without actual permanent damage.”
  3. Or the Grateful Dead – it amounted to the same thing.
  4. Though if I’m honest there is a certain laughable irony in the situation. At least, looking in from the outside there is. Perhaps it’s not quite as humorous to K-State, Iowa State, KU and MU, huh? But, like I say, from my perspective, no matter which conferences cherry pick the current Bevo X IX to death, it will be amusing to watch the gnashing of teeth, rending of breasts, pulling of hair and mea culpa wailing from afar. I haven’t laughed this hard in some time and don’t foresee an end any time soon.
  5. Well, that is  the Golden Buff’s can win at least  6 games during this rebuilding year. If not…well, I’ll  empty that bourbon bottle when the time comes.

12 thoughts on “Go Away”

  1. the hawaii game was ugly that dredlocked qb ran up and down the field like he was in his own backyard. if the buffs don’t play better than that theyll be lucky to win 4 games this year. i dont think you have to worry about the losers coming to the west coast the rumor is that ku basketball will drag ku mu kstate and iowa state to the big east. whatever that is.

  2. The Big East is a pretty good roundball conference but they’re not much for football. Sometimes WV or Pitt will make a run. Or Southern Florida. But generally speaking they’re out of BCS contention by November. The 4 midlling Big 12 teams mentioned would fit into the middle of the pack football-wise. Hell, even K-State should be able to beat DePaul. But only KU would grow in basketball; K-state, iowa State and MU’s teams are all too consistent to thrive out there.

  3. I don’t see many conferences lining up to go after either K-State or Iowa State.

    Also Texas and that ilk going to the PAC would screw things up for CU. Part of the reson we went to the PAC was for more west coast exposure. Should Texas be willing to give up its ESPN contract and join the PAC, the PAC would probably divy up into East – West divisions, with those in the East only playing once or twcie a year out West. It wouldn’t be all that different than staying in the Big 12.

    1. Tom –

      I think a bigger concern to CU is the potential of some of the Big 12 schools “watering down” the PAC’s academic credentials. OSU, texas tech and, ahem, some other schools just don’t cut the mustard. Still, as we’ve seen, college atheletics isn’t about atheletics; if some of those schools come on board benson will scream and shout but I dount there’s anything he can do in the long run.

      Fungi –

      I agree with your assessment of the Big East and KU’s chances. As for the rest, maybe the SEC would want MU. Iowa State and K-State are going to have to scramble as best they can should OU leave the conference as well.

      BB –

      Yeah – that was an ugly game. it didn’t inspire any confidence in me that they’ll beat CSU, that’s for sure.

  4. In one of your earlier posts you said that the SEC would snap up OU. I think that’s still true. I don’t see them headed to the PAC. WHich means OSU would go to the SEC as well, being one of those kids you were writing about…

  5. We could avoid this whole mess if Texas would just go Independant in football and align themselves with the Big 12 for basketball. Isn’t that what Notre Dame does? Why doesn’t Bebe push Texas that direction?

  6. As a K-Stater I’ve got my money on Baylor and their lawsuit. The Big 12 breaking up doesn’t do squat for our school. Or Iowa State.

    Instead of blowing UT’s mascot, Bebe needs to get on the horn and get Boise State into the conference. Though maybe they already heard the laughter from Arkansas when Bebe tried to get them to join.

  7. I understand Reese Witherspoon was just run over by an 84 year old Texas fan because she had had said that Texas had “no business” joining the PAC 10, that UT was just a ‘jumped up Texas Tech.”

    Damn, that’s one mouthy woman!

      1. Well, she was hit today while jogging. By an 84 year old woman. And I understand Witherspoon actually attended Stanford. Besides, doesn’t she just look like she’d diss Texas all over the place?

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