Ich Bin Das Twitter Wang!

I was 18. I spent 6 years overseas in Asia and Europe where prostitution was legal. And cheap.

Did I mention cheap? We’re talking $8 haircut, shoeshine and a blow-job cheap; $20 for all night cheap.

So once my personal days of Wimpy Burgers und biers wound down 1 I had shown my Rep. Weiner to a few hundred women.

While this number certainly doesn’t approach Wilt’s laughable claim of introducing his Rep. Weiner to 20,000 women, it is in excess of Tom Cruise’s laughable figure of 3. 2

Given the circumstances, and the social mores of the times, letting a few hundred women see my Rep. Wiener was, roughly speaking, the norm. However I never photographed my Rep. Wiener, much less while in a state of arousal  – seemed counter intuitive somehow.

But for Wiener to pic his prick and then twit it to 45,000 people? I am in awe. 3

It wasn’t that long ago, the 80s to be specific, when casually bragging noting the number of women whom had espied one’s Rep. Weiner was considered taboo, as though you were personally responsible for the advent of AIDS, 4 or the 18th century Puritans -the ones who drowned floated witches and seriously sneered down their patrician noses at Demi Moore- were suddenly back in charge. Even mentioning unmentionables, particularly flaming bras, was just not done.

However the current zeitgeist encourages folk to twit-pic all their body parts, apparently starting at the age of 14. This in turn gives local municipalities and pols the impetus to act all sputterily outraged and pass idiotic and nigh unenforceable laws, which in turn causes newspaper editors to ink vehement anti- or pro- twit-pic OpEd pieces, thereby churning a few dollars for otherwise moribund local broadsheets.

We’re talking a growth industry here, folks.

So I don’t really, personally, care about Rep. Wiener’s wiener; that’s an private open matter between him, his wife and his 45,000 Twitter subscribers.

True, Rep. Wiener might have, not necessarily obviated mind you, but perhaps more contained last week’s hysteria had he simply hauled out his wiener and a.) personally shown it to 45,000 people 5 or b.) personally used it on/with 45,000 people. 6

And perhaps the fault lies with technology. Maybe Twitter could instantiate something that would allow a user to edit or delete their Twits, in which case Rep. Wiener could have simply deleted his wiener.

However, in keeping with our modest attempt at reinventing government, I thought I might amend a recent post thus:

Any Congressman caught lying about electronically transmitting images of their junk to anyone other than a) their spouse, significant other(s) or life partner would be forced to wear a copy of that image as a “Hello  – My Name Is” lapel badge for i.) the remainder of their term, or ii.) the entirety of their stay in a Federal lock-up, said stay to be determined per USC and local regulations where applicable.

Should shame, humiliation and/or demands of the wronged spouse, significant other(s) or life partner keep the Congressman from attending to his duties, the penalties will be the same as previously noted: for each missed vote a Congressman would spend 1 week in jail at the end of a session; 10 missed votes would remove said Representative/Senator from that Congress, the rest of their 4-year term to be spent in Federal lock-up.

Any Congresswoman discovered electronically transmitting images of their junk to anyone at all would immediately be enrolled in the 2-day remedial (Junior High School level) seminar, “How To Get Boys”, the cost of which would be deducted from their travel budget.


Show 6 footnotes

  1. Talk about culture shock upon returning to the States, free love or no.
  2. One of which was a Charlie Sheen cast-off who ‘did’ Cruise on a bet, which she later claimed was nowhere near enough money.
  3. As were roughly 20,000 other people, who have since subscribed to Rep. Weiner’s twitter stream
  4. Not true; that shit was lab-grown.
  5. Call Rep. Wiener’s office for an appointment!
  6. Call Rep. Wiener’s office for an appointment!

2 thoughts on “Ich Bin Das Twitter Wang!”

  1. What I’ve never understood is why men think emailing us photos of their appendages is going to make us crazy with desire. And why famous men who stand to lose postion, influence, small fortunes and family do these things is beyond comprehension. All we ever do is laugh.

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