31 December 2008
Mr. Clark Hunt,
I am given to understand your organization, the Kansas City Chiefs, has recently found itself in need of a Football Czar. I am writing to apply for the position: my qualifications are as follows:
* I am a 20 year Federal employee;
* Prior to that I served 15 years with USARSOG;;
* No, it’s none of your fucking business;
* Yes, I would have to kill you;
* I am a highly motivated, disciplined and professional individual;
* 7-12th grade Letterman starter at linebacker (Monster Man);
* Played rugby in college;
* For fun;
* I am, God help me, a Jackson County taxpayer;
* I loathe professional football;
* I have never attended a professional football game in person;
* I have seen but a dozen professional football tv games under the following conditions:
•tripping my ass off
•drunk off my ass
•stone ass sober (never again, my hand to Satan)
•so badass hungover I was tripping
•every assbackward combination of the above
My qualifications should speak for themselves, but in case you’re not convinced, allow me to elaborate.
It is obvious all you and your Daddy care about is money: butts in seats. Your Daddy
bought won Superbowl IV and since then has been content (Oops! Sorry for your loss; I meant to show up at the funeral…was content) to milk the cash cow that is an NFL franchise.
And I respect that. No, really, I do. I respect anyone that knows what they want and has the brass balls to go out and get it. I especially respect anyone who can fleece roughly 500,000 taxpayers to foot the bill for their fun over 4 decades while simultaneously getting those same buffoons to buy into the promise of a ‘Championship” team. And to not only flim-flam those 500,000 people, but to get them to buy more and more and more of the licensed team crap they are already subsidizing, why that is nothing short of genius!
(Speaking of genius, setting up the Jackson County Sports Authority was inspired; getting what passes for politicians in this backwater town to vote an endless stream of taxpayer money into your organization, year after losing year after losing year? Priceless. You have to tell me, it’s part of my renumeration package; who do you know that is sexually abusing underage kids, huh? I’ll bet dollars to doughnuts it has to be someone in the Kansas City/St. Joseph Catholic Diocese, right? Right!? I knew it! That’s the only way those fools could have possibly voted you more millions for “stadium improvements” this last time around.)
You can see why I feel the need to be a part of this, right?
So let me tell you where I would take the organization.
To begin with you have nowhere near peak merchandise saturation. I must have seen 90 out of 100 cars today without any Chiefs branding at all; that’s nothing but wasted opportunity. Why, in Detroit, even the arsonists dedicate their work to the Lions. We shouldn’t be happy until the morons in KC are dressing their babies in nothing but Chiefs unis.
Which brings me to a very troubling issue – team spirit.
Sure, it’s okay if the players don’t have team spirit. They are aware, after all, that they are grossly overcompensated to play a kid’s game. However, if Joe and Josephina Moron don’t buy into the high school “team spirit” concept, you are dead in the water. Without motivation, Joe & Josephina don’t know how to respond. If they don’t know how to respond, they fall back on a priori conditioning and drink like fish and procreate, neither of which puts money in our pockets.
Yes, I understand that the script writers can’t recycle things outside of their normal lifespan: one can’t have “Hall of Fame retiring quarterback’s last season” featured every year, any more than one can spin the “rebuilding year” or “new coach” or “new quarterback” spiel perpetually.
These myths follow a natural life cycle and to interrupt them would so grossly insult the
sheep customers that they might question the “integrity” of the game.
It was easier back in the day when a talented hack like Posnanski was satisfied with quietly taking money under the table to flat out lie (poetically, of course: no one ever said Joe couldn’t write. His columns are, you know, like things of beauty!) about a team’s chances every year. 1
For the most part, that’s it: merchandise, team “spirit” and propaganda. That’s where we rake in the cash.
As for the team, well, the easiest way to handle that is to get the best players available.
Seriously, I mean spend the money here, Mr. Hunt; don’t stint, get the best players available…with the following caveat: their IQs shouldn’t be much larger than their neck sizes.
Seriously, I read in the paper the other day you got a player, a tight end…what, his name is Gonzales? Says if so and so and so and so don’t come back next season, he don’t know. He don’t know what? That’s what I want to know, he don’t know what? I know what – he’s gone, bye-bye, adios, go with Mike Shanahan, dawg!
Sure, you need a quarterback bright enough to do what he’s told. And the free safety and DBs have to have some smarts, but for the rest you just want the biggest, strongest, meanest, fastest people you can get. Smart don’t come into it.
Hell, Mr. Hunt – it ain’t rocket science. It’s just football.
So first thing I would do is go out and hire Cowher; he thinks the same as me. You open up your wallet the first 2 seasons, and by season 5 you got a SuperBowl ring. Then we can spend the next 15 years coasting on that win and raking in the dough.
And that’s that. I don’t need much, salary-wise. Say $1 million per year, guaranteed 3 year contract. You don’t think we’re on track for that SuperBowl win in year 5, you cut me loose. You think we’re good to go, though, I want a percentage from year 4 on.
Think on it, Mr Hunt. I certainly can’t screw up any worse than King Carl. And if you don’t get this job filled right, well hell, son, you’ll be looking at doin’ it again 2-3 years down the road.
It’s like I always say, Mr. Hunt – you can fool some of the people all of the time. Thems the ones we want to focus on.
- Joe still does that with the Royals; regardless of their totally screwed-up front office, disorganization and flat-out incompetence, he writes his annual “The Royals will win it all” column every Spring. Hell, even money says he’ll write another one of those “This will be the year…’ columns about those no good bums come March. What we need to do is find out who in the Royals organization has what on him and make them share the wealth, you know? Joe’ll play along – he’s from Cleveland. ↩