Floria Redux

We published an item last week about Floria, a THC-infused lube/spray for the vajayjay. And, of course, stoners being stoners, herewith is what happens when you drink an entire bottle of the stuff.

I woke up the next morning and cried at my boyfriend about how badly I didn’t want to go to Disneyland, despite the fact that we had no plans to go to Disneyland that day or ever. After calming me down, he tucked me back into bed with a big bag of salt and vinegar potato chips and turned on Gilmore Girls. After hallucinating that Lauren Graham’s face was morphing into Ryan Gosling’s face for just a few seconds at a time, such that nobody besides me had ever noticed, I proceeded to nap for four hours. I woke up with potato chips all over my body, then asked my boyfriend to help wash me off in the shower because I didn’t feel capable of doing that on my own. I also vaguely remember having a mild panic attack about the fact that I didn’t know where our cat was. We don’t have a cat.

The next few days are a blur of snacking and crying. There are 10 text threads on my phone that I don’t remember typing and mysterious empty bags of Cheetos strewn about my apartment.

People, people, people; show some restraint, please. 1
Floria Redux

Show 1 footnote

  1. Although, frankly? Funny as shit…

New Hampshire

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary clinic. As she placed her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something”.

The vet rolled his eyes, then turned round and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador. The duck’s owner looked on in amazement as the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, returning a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on his haunches, shook its head, mewed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely a dead duck”.

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried.

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you had taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but I had to add more for the the lab report and cat scan.

Take our word for it: Carson, Christie, Fiorina, ¿JEB? & Kasich are all dead ducks.

New Hampshire

Au Courant

This week’s au courant links, après Flint le déluge edition:

And finally, what the sullen, well dressed bulimic will be wearing this Spring:

Au Courant

Show 1 footnote

  1. Which means the population in Oklahoma, as just one example, may be declining over the next generation. And, of course, the costs of fracking don’t stop there: Wichita, KS, is still trying to figure out how much damage to its public buildings the man-made Oklahoma earthquakes will cost its citizens. Don’t be surprised to see earthquakes-from-fracking lawsuits in the future for damage caused across state lines.

Empty Cities

Unborn Chinese Cities

The Kangbashi District of Ordos, China is a marvel of urban planning, 137-square miles of shining towers, futuristic architecture and pristine parks carved out of the grassland of Inner Mongolia. It is a thoroughly modern city, but for one thing: No one lives there.

…Kangbashi is one of hundreds of sparkling new cities sitting relatively empty throughout China, built by a government eager to urbanize the country but shunned by people unable to afford it or hesitant to leave the rural communities they know. Chicago photographer Kai Caemmerer visited Kangbashi and two other cities for his ongoing series Unborn Cities. The photos capture the eerie sensation of standing on a silent street surrounded by empty skyscrapers and public spaces devoid of life…

Empty Cities

Two Siderism

WASHINGTON — Cable customers who are tired of paying through the nose to rent set-top boxes are about to see some serious savings, thanks to a new proposal from the Federal Communications Commission.

The new regulation would open up the set-top box market to consumer choice so that customers could rent or buy devices from providers other than their cable companies. About 99 percent of cable customers currently rent set-top boxes from their cable company. According to a survey commissioned by Sens. Ed Markey (D-Mass.) and Richard Blumenthal (D-Conn.), cable customers pay an average of $232 a year for those rentals — a $20 billion market annually, just for set-top box rentals…

…Cable companies and their lobbyists are furious about the plan, which the commission is set to vote on Feb. 18. But the proposal didn’t emerge from a vacuum. Liberal senators have been pressuring the FCC to act on cable “monopolies” for months. In July, current Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) organized a letter calling on the agency to collect a host of consumer pricing information from cable companies — a move designed to show that in many regions of the country, households pay arbitrarily high prices due to a lack of other cable options. Sens. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), Al Franken (D-Minn.), Markey and Blumenthal all signed on to the letter.

In a blatant attempt at two siderism, Hillary once told the banks to “cut it out.”

Two Siderism

Lees and Orts

Our Friend’s girls’ school, Académie Lafayette, recently instituted a finger scanning system to better track attendance and lunches.

The emphasis on finger scanning (as opposed to finger prints) is deliberate: the software AL purchased identifies and stores only random points generated from a child’s prints, NOT the prints themselves: finger prints are never entered into the system. When that child next passes their finger over the scanner, the software lugs through its database until it finds the right points and…voilà!

Our Friend has mentioned that while most parents are fine with the system, there are some who refuse to have their children’s fingers scanned. Because…Luddites! 1

Undoubtedly these fine folk have also taken steps to assure their children’s’ social security numbers have not been compromised, as well as have taken great care to avoid buying sexist dolls with relaxed moral sensibilities, not to mention the rabid toy bears available everywhere.

Lees and Orts

German scientists today will conduct an experiment that’s much safer than playing with kid’s toys: they intend to heat up hydrogen until it equals the exact same temperature as the center of the sun.

What could possibly go wrong there?

Lees and Orts

Liz CheneyAs if a mere month into the year there has not been enough political idiocy, comes now Liz Cheney to announce her candidacy for a Wyoming state office…from Virginia.

It’s got to drive her daddy crazy, watching Liz use the same election strategy as Hillary. [.2 Especially since she’s doing it so poorly.]

Lees and Orts
The poisoning of Flint, MI, is –at the least– a future educational nightmare.

To put this in context, 0.3 to 0.6 standard deviations [in test scores] is huge: if an [educational] intervention yields a 0.05 standard deviation change, that’s considered a success.

If this effect carries over to a test like the NAEP, the effects become even worse. The effects of lead poisoning are close to the low-income/non-low income difference or the black-white difference, which are typically around 0.67 standard deviations.

State-wide in Michigan, the median learning-disabled child is a full standard deviation below the median non-disabled child (1.03 to be precise) on eighth grade math if the child is low-income; if not, the median learning-disabled child is one and one third standard deviations below the below the median non-disabled child.

If we assume that lead poisoning lowers test scores by 0.5 standard deviations–and given the massive poisoning in Flint (this isn’t just air pollution or eating flakes of paint–it was in the water) that doesn’t seem unreasonable, what this means is that [students with] learning disabilities, rather than being ten to fifteen percent of the student population (using the median learning-disabled score as a cutoff) would be twenty to thirty percent of the student population.

The NYT weighs in:

Bilal Tawwab, the superintendent of the city school system, said that one school nurse serves the 5,400 students in the district, but that he hoped some of the money flowing into Flint might help open health centers in every school.

He also hoped to make prekindergarten available to every 4-year-old — spaces are limited — and to hire more experienced teachers for special education.

“That’s the piece that keeps me up at night,” he said. “It costs almost double to educate a student with special needs. And our wages, our salaries, are so low.”

How is it an angry mob has not yet lynched Michigan governor Rick Snyder?

Lees and Orts

While stuck in Taco Bell’s drive-thru —Taco Party Pack!– last evening Asta Jr. inquired whether Ted Cruz would be really good for America (as Ms. Spencer, her English teacher, asserted) or if he would stone our culture back to a 16th century theocracy? I mean, she seemed really worried about it.

I assured her that America’s Christian population is in decline, with the foam-at-the-mouth evangelicals dropping as well, so that even should Thor completely abandon mankind and allow Cruz to become the GOP nominee, his i.) lack of enough “base” votes, combined with ii.) the rest of an appalled America dead set against him, would easily lose Cruz the general election.

And that seemed to suffice. However, it did evade the larger question – what would Cruz attempt to do?

The answer is easy enough: Cruz would want to lead the nation backwards into religious slavery. And I know this because of part of his victory speech on Monday night. I’ve posted it below, complete with informative links of his backers. If you can get through those without shuddering…well, more power to you.

TED CRUZ (R-TX): And let me say our leadership team, our Iowa state chairman, Matt Shultz, what an extraordinary job. You have done organizing a grass roots army, and let me say to our Iowa state director, Brian English, what an amazing job Brian has done. And to our national co-chairman, Bob Vander Plaats and Steve King, these men have become dear and trusted friends. They are warriors. They are men of principle. They stand and speak the truth. They stand to defend their values and let me tell you, these leaders, day after day, week after week, have been crawling under broken glass with knives between their teeth. I’m grateful for the support, the early support of my friend Steve Deace. We’re grateful for the over 150 pastors across the state of Iowa, who joined our team to energize people of faith. We’re grateful to the state senators, to the state representatives, to the volunteer leaders in each of the 99 counties who stood up and said we will be heard and this will be decided by the grassroots. And then, I am so grateful to national leaders, people like Dr. James Dobson, and Tony Perkins, and Phil Robertson, and Governor Rick Perry, and Glenn Beck. Leaders who have stood and led, bringing together and coalescing conservatives here in Iowa and all across the country.

Lees and Orts

Show 1 footnote

  1. Also…it occurs to us that most of these same people would have voted for either The Donald or The Canuck. We’re just sayin’…